Loving, touching & squeezing

I know Journey sang about it. And it’s something we all crave. But did you know women need to be touched at least eight times a day to help preserve their emotional health?
Kissing, hugging, holding hands releases hormones in our bodies that stimulate good feelings and help reduce stress. I’m not into science, and while all of that is interesting. I just miss it terribly.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t need strangers hugging and touching me (and certainly not squeezing me), but to have that intimate part of your marriage ripped away in a second is utterly agonizing. Joe and I were a very physical couple. He was always touching me when we were standing in a crowd. I always had my hand on his thigh or his arm when we were sitting in a group setting with friends. When we walked we were always holding hands, and I would wrap my thumb across the top of his hand in a certain way that he came to expect. He was the best at just walking up behind me in the kitchen when I was cleaning dishes or cooking something and he’d wrap his arms all the way around me. He had a huge wing span and could wrap me up into almost a cocoon. There was always the playful side of him that would try to cop a feel at the most inappropriate times (like during a serious conversation). And at night I could lay my head on his shoulder and I fit just perfectly under his arm. We never went to bed without a kiss goodnight, and never started the day without a kiss good morning. And of course there was the sex. And I desperately miss that too.

I think this is the hardest part for me right now. I wander around our house and I am surrounded by him. His pictures, his things, his smell. And all those things comfort me and make me incredibly sad at the same time. I hung the picture from his celebration of life on the wall in our bedroom. I tell him that I love him and miss him every night before I go to sleep, blowing him a kiss. The word “missing” doesn’t describe it. It’s too light and not descriptive enough.

Longing. Aching. Yearning.

Experts tell me that time will help lessen this feeling. Perhaps that is true, but I can’t imagine I will ever miss him less than I do right now. I am incomplete without my Joe.

His touch made me feel safe and loved. Like I was the only woman in the world for him. I know many of you are experiencing the same loss of intimacy. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Instead, all I can do is send you hope and prayers for some peace.