The weight of my world

Ever since Joe was diagnosed with cancer back in 2017, I wrestled with the thought of “giving it to God”. I’m kind of a control freak. And I never could completely hand my struggles over to Him. I always hung on to just enough to make me think I was still in control, when clearly I wasn’t. Even when Joe’s cancer came back in 2019 at stage 4, I couldn’t lay my burdens down at Jesus’ feet for any length of time. I would always pick them back up. And they were almost always heavier than they were before.

When Joe was in ICU after his cardiac arrest, I had no choice but to give it all over to God. The situation felt so far out of my control, and I knew there was nothing I could do but pray.

But the moment Joe died I picked those burdens right back up, slung them on my back and trudged forward. Over the last week I’ve realized just how tired I am. Emotionally tired. Physically tired.

My soul is tired. This load is so heavy. Too heavy for me to carry all by myself.

And then something happened. Of course, it revolves around music because music was such a huge part of who we were as a couple. Youtube suggested a new Chris Stapleton song to me. One that was just released in November. We’ve always been huge fans of his music. At first, I was sad Joe wasn’t here to listen to it with me. And then I realized,

Joe wanted me to hear it.

Carrying the weight of my world is exhausting. I can’t do it anymore, and I know my Joe doesn’t want me to. I’m going to do my best to give it all to God. Hopefully the words to this song will remind me to.

Give me your darkest hour
Give me your deepest fear
Just give me a call and I’ll be here
Give me the bars and chains that won’t set you free
Give me the weight of your world
And lay it on me

I know I’ll falter. I know occasionally I’ll pick up a few burdens and try to carry them alone. But I’m going to try. Are you giving your burdens to God or are you carrying the weight of your world alone?