Hole in my heart

The weight of this sadness is so damn heavy. Everything I do reminds me of Joe. I come home every day at lunch, just like I did today, to let the girls out. They need to run and play outdoors since the days are so much shorter now. They are used to being home with their dad every afternoon. In the mornings, I used to let them out and then they would run back to bed to snuggle up with him while I got ready for work. Now they climb on the couch and look so sad because they know I’m leaving them alone for hours, again. We spent most every lunch together, talking about the day or our plans for the weekend. I used to call him after work on my way home. It was almost always a quick call.

Joe – “on your way?”

Me – “see you in a few, love you”

Joe – “love you too, be careful”

I miss that call. I miss that voice. I miss the quiet evenings listening to music or watching our favorite tv shows, even when we wouldn’t speak for hours. I miss the never-ending “what do you want for dinner” conversations and him trying to cop a feel while I was in the kitchen. I even miss his horrible road rage. I catch myself saying “we” and hate that I correct myself. I miss his over-the-top crazy personality. I desperately miss kissing him goodnight.

I know I’m in the depths of this grief. I get it. I just needed to write it down. My life is completely upside down. There isn’t a thing anyone can do to help. It’s mine to carry and today I might not be carrying it very well.

There’s a hole in my heart that may never heal. How do you cope with the overwhelming sadness of your loss?