Wasted time

Today pretty much just sucks. I’m working from home (thank goodness) because the tears can’t seem to stop. The sadness is heavy today. I can’t stop questioning why. Why were we able to spend so many years being so happy, going through unbelievably hard struggles together (cancer and the death of parents) and surviving them, loving each other so completely, just to have it all end so soon?

And what am I supposed to do now? How do I fill my time? What is my purpose?

Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of things to do. I have a full-time job, a house to take care of, two crazy dogs to love. But I know there is a greater purpose for me. I can feel it in my bones. I just don’t have the energy to pursue anything right now. Time seems to stand still. Life is moving very, very slowly. And honestly, if things were moving faster I don’t think I would want to keep up.

I’m emotionally exhausted.

I mentioned in a previous post (see The weight of my world – WidowSpeak) that I’ve always had a hard time giving it to God. That’s even more true since Joe passed away. I realize the “why” is not for me to know. I understand the point of my suffering isn’t to punish me or push me away from God. It’s to draw me closer to Him. There will be good that comes from all of this pain. I’ve experienced some of that good already through the outpouring of love and kindness shown to me since Joe’s death. I feel closer to my family and Joe’s family than ever before. I know there will be better days ahead but right now the pain is still so overwhelming.

Some days it’s just hard to breathe. Today is one of those days.

For now, I’ll lean on my most favorite Eagles song “Wasted Time”. The song is about lost love later in life. Don Henley (who could sing the phone book to me if he wanted to) croons about a woman thinking she’d never be alone this far down the line, and how hard it is to walk through it.

He says in the song “sometimes to keep it together, you’ve got to leave it alone.” That was a mantra in my life long before Joe came along, and one I can get behind these days. Stop asking why, stop wondering what’s next. Just leave it alone and know that none of it with my Joe was wasted time.

Do you find yourself questioning everything?