I’ll rise up, just not today.

Anyone that knows me knows I’m not the kind of person to give up. It’s not in my nature. I even have this song as my alarm on my phone. Every morning I wake up to these words: Rise Up

And some mornings I throw my phone across the room and bury my head under the pillow.

Life has thrown plenty of challenging things my way since 2017 when Joe was first diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. That was the moment I became a caregiver. And it didn’t stop until I lost my Mom in April of last year. Caring for Joe and both of my parents was the greatest privilege of my life, and I’m so grateful I was Joe’s person for the years he fought and beat cancer. It was also an honor to share the responsibility of caring for our parents with my younger sister Katy. That experience brought us closer than we have ever been, and I am so happy about that because I can’t imagine walking this grief journey now without her.

I’m doing all the things I can to pick myself back up after losing my parents and my Joe. I’m journaling through these blog posts. I write Joe a letter every couple of days as well, “letting him know” how I’m doing or how my day was. I’ve joined a www.griefshare.org group that starts next week, and I continue to see my therapist once a month.

Gary Allan knows how I feel and sings exactly what I’m trying to say.

But sometimes, it’s all just too much. Today I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Today I don’t want to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I don’t want to think positive or look for the good in everything. Today I just don’t have the energy to do anything more than just breathe, and even that is hard.

I know Gary Allan is right. These struggles will make me stronger, and the changes will make me wise. I know that life is a beautiful ride. I just don’t feel like riding today. And if you lost your person like I did, I want you to know it’s okay if you don’t want to ride today either.

This is all so hard. There aren’t any instructions for grief. No timeline to follow. It’s different for everyone. So, on days like to today when I don’t want to put in any effort, I’ll remind myself that it’s okay to do nothing. And I’ll remind you too.

Hang on with me.