You Should Be Here

I tried to have a good day today but it wasn’t in the cards. The high temperature was maybe 5 degrees. It snowed a few inches, and the wind chill right now is around -8. The dogs and I have been stuck in this house all day, and it has been a very, very, very long day.

SAD. That’s what they call it: seasonal affective disorder. I just call it lonely.

And today hit me like a ton of bricks.

Joe should be here and I still can’t believe he’s gone. How can he no longer be on this earth with me? I found this song on YouTube the other day. Cole Swindell is singing about missing his Dad during a very momentous time in his life. This is how I feel about Joe every single day.

Because every day with him was a special occasion. Every day was a gift from God.

I found myself anxious and crying on and off all day. I tried to stay busy in the kitchen. I made homemade potato soup, focaccia bread and a pecan caramel pound cake. I ate the soup and one piece of bread. My appetite has been hit or miss for the last four months. The cake will go to work with me tomorrow for my co-workers to enjoy.

My sister called tonight and we talked for a while. That always helps. She is my voice of reason and can always talk me down off the ledge. I’ll head to bed soon. When I lay my head down tonight I’ll say a prayer and thank God for the gift of my Joe, and for every day I had with him.

And tomorrow morning I will get up and try again.