The heart of life

Moving on. Letting go. Getting over it.

The loss of your spouse is one of the most difficult losses a person will ever endure, next to losing a child. Every aspect of your life changes. Your partner in crime is gone. The person you could tell anything to, your confidant is no longer there. No more weekend getaways together, vacations to your favorite places, arguments about where to eat, no one to sit silently with watching tv or playing on your phones. You are no longer a couple with your group of friends. The responsibility for everything in your household falls solely on your shoulders now. You go to bed alone, you wake up alone. And thoughts of them consume every waking moment of your day.

I’m here to tell you there is no moving on. You don’t get over the loss of your spouse. You learn how to live without them.

A friend of ours lost her husband a little over a year ago to cancer. She has recently found companionship in the company of a widower. Someone who understands exactly what she is experiencing, exactly where she has been. I am so happy that she has found this new love interest. Her new-found happiness makes me wonder if I will ever want to find someone new to spend time with. Will I ever want to get married again?

It’s been four months since I lost Joe and the answer to that question is a resounding “I have no idea”.

It’s so natural and easy when you’re married to say to your spouse “if anything ever happened to you I could never be with anyone else”. And you mean it, because you love them and only them. You can’t imagine spending the rest of your life with anyone else. In this hypothetical situation you resign yourself to being alone.

And then the unthinkable happens and they die unexpectedly, or even expectedly. And there you are. All alone. Utterly alone.

When Joe was battling stage 4 cancer we never discussed what his wishes were for me should something happen to him. We never discussed what my wishes were for him should something ever happen to me. I know that I would have wanted him to be happy, to be loved, to not be alone if I had passed on. I believe he felt the same way.

I know I could never love anyone the way I love my Joe. Ours was a love for the ages, a match made in heaven. But I believe the best way to honor our love would be to allow my heart to expand and let love in again. Perhaps someday I will try and love again. Someday, but not today.