Skipping February

Valentine’s Day is coming up and so is my 60th birthday. Joe always made surf & turf for our Valentine’s Day dinner. Steak for him and lobster for me. He found the best cards and would pick the prettiest bunch of flowers at our local grocery. My birthday was no different. Every year he found a way to make me feel so special. From special meals and jewelry to elaborate surprise parties with all of our friends and family. We always met up with friends for dinner during my birthday week. And there was the obligatory notification to the Facebook world about how I was officially three years older than him (for five months out of each year). That always made me laugh.

This year I just want to skip the whole month of February. The thought of those special days without Joe makes me literally nauseous. I think this must explain my mood for the last week. Every little thing sets me off. I’m either pissed off or crying uncontrollably. I’ve melted down over a lost memorial book, climbed in bed at 8pm more than once to sleep away the sadness, and allowed the silliest things at work to crawl under my skin and fester. And a good friend is in the hospital (the same one Joe passed away in), and I can’t make myself go up there. I know they understand, but still.

There is no respite from grief. It doesn’t take a day off, and you can’t get away from it. I’ve put all of my books on navigating this hell away. I’ve read enough about it. Now I just want to be on the other side of it. But I know there is no “other side”. It will always be with me. Every occasion will have a whisper of sadness because my Joe isn’t here. Every special moment in the future (vacations, weddings, new babies) will be filled with joy and happiness for everyone involved, and that bit of sadness for me because he’s not here to share the moment with.

So why not skip February? The thought of it sounds perfect. But in this year of “firsts” I know I have to face all of these special dates head on. My sister-in-law and her husband invited me to join them at the Eagles concert the night before Valentine’s Day. My favorite band of all time, but they may get more than they bargained for. Better stock up on Kleenex!

There’s no skipping February. It’s just another something I know I have to get through.