Dear God . . .

Do you struggle with your faith? I feel like my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. I have no doubts about my salvation, no doubt that Joe and my parents are in heaven, and we will be reunited again someday. God’s unfailing love is a comfort to me. But my emotions, my feelings are still the same as they were the day my Joe died. And I really struggle with that. Does God think less of me because I am still angry Joe was taken away from me? Is He disappointed in me because I can’t seem to find my place in this new reality?

I’m just so sad.

And no matter how much I pray, no matter how many bible verses or devotions I read, no matter how many worship songs I listen to, those feelings don’t go away. When I go back and read my journal, I can see that I am making progress, albeit very, very slow progress. But forward trajectory none the less. So why do I feel like I am letting so many people down? Why do I feel like I’m letting God down?

I’m just so tired of being tired. I’m tired of being stuck in a past that will never be again. I know I need to embrace my new normal, really sit in it and accept it for what it is. And I know that God hears everything I think, everything I say, everything I pray. I know that He is working for my good.

I just keep falling back into the deep, dark abyss of my grief.

In true God (and Joe) fashion, Cory Asbury landed in my YouTube feed this morning. Joe loved his song “Reckless Love”, but I had never heard any other music from him, until today.

Until this one.

‘Cause you tried and you tried
And I saw you wrestle with
Every how, every why
I was right there listening
So just fall into the mystery
And I’ll meet you here in the melody
Try, just to try again
Oh, child would you try again?
My child, you can love again

I struggle with giving myself grace. I struggle with the unknown. I need to remember in my struggle the lyrics to this beautiful song.