I try

It’s my 60th birthday today. It’s been a weird day.

I woke up torn between two worlds. Part of me wanted to get up, to thank God for waking me up, and to seize the day. The other part of me wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there. Why?

Because Joe.

Because he wasn’t here to say “happy birthday babe”. He wasn’t here to tease me about being three years older than him. He wasn’t here to wrap those big arms around me, pull me close to him, and try to make me late for work with his idea of a birthday present. And on this day, more than any other, he would have made me the center of his universe for the whole day. I loved him so much for that.

So, back to my morning dilemma. I got up, of course. Because I am a responsible adult, and because the dogs needed out. Got ready, and off to work I went. The girls at work were so sweet to decorate my office with streamers and signs to signify the day. And cake, there was also cake. I’m so grateful for my work family.

I’ve also received so many text messages and Facebook posts wishing me a great day. I am thankful to everyone for reaching out. I know it’s hard for people to know what to say.

I will say there were equal amounts of happy and sad. The tears came like they always do, when I least expect them. And not having mom to call and sing to me or dad to say “happy birthday peanut” adds to all of it. I don’t know how to be anything but honest about how I’m feeling, and today I’m feeling like this Macy Gray song.

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I didn’t think today would be that hard, but grief has proven me wrong again.

I know, I have to get through all of these “firsts”. I don’t want to wish my life away, but damn this is hard. Changes and fears, when will they go from here? When will they stop?