Say my name

Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to say “stop mentioning him, you’re making me uncomfortable”.

I was sensitive to this initially. Especially with family, because everyone grieves their own way. But 5+ months in and I am over it. Say his name!

The less I talk about Joe the further away he gets from me.

Keeping his memory alive honors him. And I think he deserves to be honored. My Joe crammed a lot of life into his 57 years. Most of it was wonderful, some of it was hard, and all of it was worth celebrating. He loved with his whole heart, cherished his relationships with his friends and family, and would have given his life for those he loved. He was the friend that was ready to lend a hand, but he also helped complete strangers. He could make you laugh like nobody’s business. He fought cancer with a warrior mentality and the most positive attitude ever. I remember when his mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. He cried and begged God to let it be him instead, even though he had already walked through hell to beat it twice. You always knew you were safe with Joe. And you always knew you were going to have a good time if he was there. His mission was to make everyone around him smile.

For me, talking about him keeps the sound of his voice alive in my head. My greatest fear is to forget what his voice sounded like, what he sounded like when he said “I love you”, or what his touch felt like, how he made me feel when his arms were wrapped around me.

I never want to lose that. I’ve lost enough already.

I’m sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable. Wait, no I’m not.

I know as time goes on people will expect me to stop talking about Joe so much. But as an old family friend used to say, “don’t hang while you’re waiting”!