Spring has arrived. And with it all the trees are in bloom, gardens are being prepped for planting, longer days are finally here. With the change in season, I find myself crying uncontrollably more often than not. And I had just mentioned in a previous post that I seemed to be smiling more than crying. Now I’m making a liar out of myself.

Life goes on, and maybe these tears just remind me that my beautiful man has been gone for almost six months now, although I don’t need reminding. The change in the season does make it feel like he’s been gone for so much longer than that. Maybe I cry so my heart doesn’t forget him, as if that were ever possible. Whatever the reason, I am kind of frustrated by it. I can’t stand not being able to control my emotions.

That’s exactly why I haven’t been able to listen to JJ Grey & Mofro’s “This River”. Thanks to YouTube, Joe found this amazing band during cancer treatment, and we became instant fans. We even saw them four times in 2019, traveling from Oklahoma to Texas to Florida.

But this song in particular I haven’t been able to listen to since his cardiac arrest. It was on his playlist in ICU. Whenever it came on, I took that opportunity to walk the unit floor. I’ve hit skip a thousand times since. But today I finally listened to the whole song (and yes, I cried through it all).

The raw emotion behind these lyrics is what gets me every time. The river is a metaphor of course. For the artist, he’s trying to find purpose and meaning for his life. For Joe the river washed away his troubles during chemo, and it carried his fear away so he could concentrate on getting better, getting stronger. We both learned during that time that we can’t control what life throws at us, and sometimes we can’t control how we react to it. And today that’s exactly where I am. I can’t control my grief, no matter how hard I try.

For me, I think I just need the river to carry me away.

Downstream perhaps, to a place that doesn’t hurt so much.