Learning to walk again

I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since I lost my husband Joe. It feels like a day I need to acknowledge. A milestone of my own survival.

When asked about this song by the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl stated he was wanting others to realize “in life, you get trapped in crisis, where you imagine there’s no way out. When really, if you dare to consider that crisis a blip on the radar, it’s easier to push through.” And that’s just it. The last six months are just a blip on my radar. My time here is truly limited. I won’t waste any more of it on things that I cannot change.

To say this has been a learning experience would be an understatement. There are days where I feel like I really did have to learn how to walk again. I’ve been on my knees for so long, crying for Joe, begging for things to go back to how they were, praying for my pain to ease.

I’ve learned that no matter how strong my faith is, questioning why this happened is normal and expected. It doesn’t mean I don’t trust God’s plan. And I know He doesn’t think less of me when I second-guess his motives.

I’ve found that being lonely won’t kill you. It’s just hard. Really hard. I know there will continue to be days where I struggle being by myself. We weren’t meant to do life alone. But in the solitude is where I have done my best healing. I also know I still have a long way to go.

I’ve discovered that I can do pretty much anything Joe did around the house. I may be slower at it or need help lifting heavy things (or reaching taller things), but I can do it. Probably not the way he would have, and definitely not as cheaply (ha ha). But I am managing his to-do list pretty well.

I’ve learned how important family and friends truly are. I know who I can count on and who just offers lip service. Some have shown up, and those who were only here for a season have moved on.

I’ve found the limit on my bullshit meter and know exactly how much of it I will tolerate.

I loved being Joe’s person. I loved being married and spending time with a man who enjoyed the same things as me. I loved being loved. Of course, my Joe set that bar so high it will be difficult to find someone else who can make me feel the way he did. I could never replace him and would never want to.

I’ve only just learned how to walk again, so I will be taking things slowly. Someday I will open my heart up again to love. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday.