The part of me that’s you

It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able to get a few more flowers planted.

And yet . . . I feel so utterly alone.

i find myself in a crowd sometimes feeling like I’m invisible. Like I’m not really there, as if I could just melt into the floor and no one would notice. My Joe was always the center of attention, but no matter where we were, when he looked at me the whole world faded away.

As I sit in my home office typing this, looking out the window trying to will a hummingbird to appear on the feeder, my heart just keeps breaking over and over again. I know I can’t bring Joe back. I know I have to keep moving forward, and I am in many ways. But early this Sunday morning, as the sun rises, I’m overwhelmed with his absence, the void of him in me.

There was so much love and laughter in our years together. And I am grateful for every single year. I’m even grateful for the many challenges we overcame, because we always held each other up. I think that’s the hardest part about all of this. I need him here to hold me up. My family and my friends have been wonderful and so supportive. But there’s something to be said about having ‘your person’ with you in the hard times.

I’ll pull myself together like I always do. And maybe someday I won’t feel so alone in a crowd of people. Maybe someday that void will fill back up with all of our wonderful memories, smoothing the jagged edges of this shattered heart.

someday . . .