Most of my life I’ve been a very conservative person. Always erring on the side of caution, never really taking huge risks. When I was a kid, my older brothers managed to get in enough trouble as teenagers to convince me not to do anything wrong, mostly to avoid the wrath of my parents.

Married right out of high school, my first marriage fell apart, but it took a while before the cracks started to show. There was no salvaging it, even though we tried. The decisions made, the risks we took trying to save it just pushed us further away from each other. Our story had just gone as far as it could go.

When Joe came along, I was even more cautious with my heart. Having him as a friend was more important than anything else at the time. But his love for all of me, including my cautious side, broke my heart wide open. He loved me unconditionally. I would have walked on the surface of the sun for that man. He was kind, always made me laugh, was willing to try anything and take big risks, but he always put me first. He always put us first. We balanced each other so well.

Being married for as long as we were, there was a shared intimacy, an understanding of each other that developed over the years. We held hands a certain way, kissed a certain way, laid next to each other a certain way. I never felt as safe as when he wrapped me up in his arms. The thought of sharing such intimate moments with someone new honestly scares the hell out of me. But I know I have to find a way to be open to that again.

If not, this loneliness will surely be the end of me.

I want to open my heart to meeting someone new someday. Someone I can spend time with, enjoy music with, go to dinner with, or just sit in the backyard and contemplate life with. I’m not going to lie. As I type that my heart begins to race with anxiety.

The thought of letting someone else in, the way I let Joe in, is a huge risk. Did I mention I’m not much of a risk taker? There is this fear of finding love and losing it all over again.

Until then I walk alone…