Some things I’ll never know

Are there days where you feel like you are really handling your grief well? You actually feel like you can breathe again? Like you’ve accepted your reality and you’re moving forward?

And then, out of nowhere, you get hit by that grief bus and you’re right back where you were in the beginning.

Today is one of those days. I had a decent day, and then I came home from work and fell completely apart. Almost eight months have passed since Joe died. It feels like years have gone by.

Most days I think I’m managing life pretty well, but I still question why this had to happen. He fought so hard to beat cancer. Why did he have to go into cardiac arrest? Why isn’t he here with me now? I remember looking in his eyes in ICU once he finally opened them. I could always find the answers in his eyes, but that connection between us was broken into a million pieces.

This song says everything I’m feeling this evening.

I’m running out of avenues
‘Cause every road leads back to you
When memories fade, where do they go?
I guess some things I’ll never know

I can fool my senses for a little while
But some things are too hard to reconcile

I’m finding the joy in the simple things like spending time with friends and family, tending to my flowers, my dogs. I’m not dead inside or on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I’m just so sad and I miss my Joe so much.

Still.

Always.