Starting over

I’ve come to the realization that if I want my life to be filled with love again, I need to step out of my comfort zone. Nothing is going to change unless I take a leap of faith. I don’t know if that means joining a dating service, or just reaching out to single men in my periphery and suggesting we get to know each other. The thought of dating is really scary. Especially when the last date I went on was 24 years ago. But this isolation is far scarier, and there are days when the will to keep moving forward alone is difficult to find.

I find myself going through the motions of life: going to work, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs. I love my family. And I find joy in the beauty around me like my flowers and the sunsets, but I yearn to share those simple things with someone. I want to find companionship with someone who enjoys just listening to music or sharing a good meal. I long for someone who likes to vacation at the beach, any beach will do. I crave for someone to talk to everyday. I ache for someone who just knows when I need to be held, someone to love and who will love me back.

I don’t expect any relationship to be the same as ours was. No one could ever replace what we had. And whoever I find would need to understand that my love for my late husband is never ending, and they must be willing share me with his memory. I’m not a casual relationship kind of girl. I would never try to hold someone to the standard Joe set. But what an amazing gift it would be if they could meet or even exceed it.

I posted a quote from author Rachel Wolchin this morning that spoke to my soul: “If life can remove someone you never thought of losing, it can replace with someone you never dreamt of having.”

After I posted this, I was told about a dream a friend had just last night. She dreamt of Joe. He hopped in her car and told her he needed to get to me. He needed to tell me that he found someone for me. Of course, in true dream-state Joe fashion, he left her with no details, no name to pass along.

But I didn’t need a name. What I think I needed was permission.

I’m reminded of a Chris Stapleton song.

But nobody wins afraid of losing
And the hard roads are the ones worth choosing
Some day we’ll look back and smile
And know it was worth every mile

The tears have been abundant today. It feels like losing my Joe all over again, and also like a weight has been lifted that has been holding me down. I think I might be open to starting over.