All you need is love

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about a potential future relationship. I mean A LOT of thinking. I have a lot of time on my hands these days. Anyway, the thought of dating scares the shit out of me.

A friend asked me what I would be looking for in a man? I’ve never been asked that question, and honestly never thought about it.

I was at my best being Joe’s wife. I know that sounds old fashioned, but it’s the truth. We were really good at being married. We loved each other with our whole hearts. We were great partners. We worked so well together. We just fit. To find that again in this lifetime would be amazing. To have to go out and look for it is terrifying. And if I am being completely honest, to have to even think about it makes me so sad for what I had and lost with my Joe. But none of this sadness is going to change that outcome, so I have to accept it and move forward.

The two things I know: I want to be happy and all we need is love.

As I was thinking about my friend’s question, I first thought about what I would bring to a new relationship. When I love, I’m all in. And I love showing love. I’m honest to a fault. Joe’s family became my family, and I’d expect the same with someone new. There are only a few dealbreakers for me. My son is my everything. He is also gay. If you can’t love him for who he is then there’s no chance for us. I expect faithfulness. If I can’t trust you, I’m out.

I’m low maintenance. I don’t get my hair and nails done regularly. I am not a shopper. I’m not a slob but I’m also not obsessive about things. I prefer things that are comfortable and lived-in rather than stuffy and stainable. I mean, my furniture has dog hair on it. I believe in God but I’m not tied to one church. I’m a decent cook but like eating out too. I’m not much of a drinker but enjoy an occasional beer or mixed drink. I’m not a fan of going to the movies, but love watching them on the couch at home. I sing along to the music in my car and in the house when I’m doing chores. I have a mouth like a sailor but a heart of gold. Seriously, the “f” word is part of my regular vocabulary, but I’m trying to control it more these days.

My “wants” in a man aren’t as long or as complicated as you would think after 60 years in this world. For me, it’s all about the little things. It’s all about love.

While younger women might be looking for someone who is generous with their money, I’m more interested in someone who is generous with his time. I don’t care about lavish vacations, extravagant homes or costly cars. I’m more interested in the time spent together. Because time is the only commodity we can’t buy. And this life has proven to me in the hardest way possible that our time on this earth is but a vapor. The need to be happy again, to share my time with someone, is very strong.

I want someone who loves me for me. Someone who loves my family and friends for exactly who they are, because they are the most wonderful people in my orbit, and anyone would be lucky to know them.

I want someone who enjoys talking about nothing or listening to music for hours. All music. I learned from Joe there is something beautiful, soulful or moving to be heard in every genre. Someone who likes to go on road trips would be a plus. Someone who likes taking vacations where we just hang out, eat & drink whatever we want, and watch the ocean waves roll in is a must. I want someone who can make me laugh and make me smile when I think of them.

Of course, whoever it is must love my crazy dogs.

I don’t need a man to take care of me, but it sure is nice to have one that wants to. I need a man who doesn’t mind holding my hand in public, someone who makes me feel safe. Someone who understands my occasional anxiety and is willing to love me through it.

Someone who’s hug makes me feel like I’m home.

Of course, he will have to share me with Joe’s memory. And if he is a widower, he needs to know that I would do the same. We didn’t fall out of love when our spouses died, and that love will never die.

Well, I realize I just wrote my own personal ad and probably opened myself up to some creepy, but possibly good, offers. Thank goodness only a dozen people actually read this blog regularly.

Seriously, I do believe there is someone out there who can become my new favorite place. I’m just convincing myself slowly that I am ready to take the next step. The next step would be to become friends, because I truly believe every great relationship starts with a great friendship. And writing it down and sending out into the universe feels like a good way to start.

When did you decide to take another chance on love?