Fix me

Have you experienced days where peace is fleeting, and the gut-punches are plentiful? I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. This sorrow is so deep sometimes I feel like I’m trying to climb out of a hole that is bottomless. I reach and reach but can’t seem to find the top.

I’ve never been a person who can just “go through the motions”. And yet, to be perfectly honest, I’ve been doing just that since my dad died in August of 2022. His passing set off a chain of life-changing, devastating events. Losing dad, losing mom, losing my husband. So much loss has brought me here. To a place where I don’t even feel like I belong anymore. A place where I do all the things I’m supposed to: get up, feed the dogs, go to work, pay my bills.

But I am completely numb.

Joy finds its way in occasionally. When I get to see my son and my family. When a joke catches me off guard and I laugh unexpectedly, or a sunrise makes me smile. But most of the time I feel like a zombie walking through my own life. I truly believe my parents and Joe are all whole again, in the presence of the angels and with Jesus. But sometimes, when I look up at the night sky, I question where they are, and I ache for my Joe.

I think the loneliness is starting to take a toll on me. I miss having someone to talk to, someone to bounce ideas off of, and someone to listen to. I miss having someone to love and take care of. I miss my husband. I miss everything about him. Even the annoying stuff. And lately, for whatever reason, I can’t get the picture of that night out of my head. All I see when I close my eyes is me on top of him doing chest compressions, screaming at him to come back to me.

Why didn’t he listen?

Like the song says. I feel like I’m stuck in reverse. I’m hopeful the lights will guide me home. I just wish he was home to fix me.