Let’s talk about sex

I’ve read a lot of books on grief over the past ten months. I’ve sat through a few classes, talked with quite a few widows and widowers, and the one subject that has never come up is sex.

When my husband died, my sex life, and all the intimacy in my life died with him. Every bit of physical contact that existed day-to-day for me was ripped away in a second. It all just stopped. My late husband and I were a very physical couple, and our sex life was very active.

Now that I’ve made my family and friends completely uncomfortable if they are reading this, I have to ask why no one is talking about this?

A big part of marriage is the intimacy you share with your partner. Your love is wrapped up in those sweet moments when your husband wraps his arms around you and kisses your forehead, when you’re walking down the street as he grabs your hand letting the world know you’re all his, when he surprises you by turning on the music in the kitchen and you slow dance your way to the bedroom.

Intimacy, and sex, were an important and vital part of our relationship. I trusted my Joe with my entire being. I could be my most vulnerable with him. Those were the times when we became one person, “so closely that you can’t tell where I end and where you start”*. Joe was both romantic with soft music and low lights, and fun with text messages like “wanna get naked?”. Our physical connection was as important to our relationship as our emotional connection was.

And now it’s gone.

I know there are widows and widowers out there who have moved on to new relationships and I am so happy for you. And to those of you dipping your toes in the dating pool, looking for the intimacy you lost, try not to settle for just the physical. It takes a great deal of courage to step out again. You deserve a real relationship built on love and respect. I’m not sure if I will find that level of trust in a relationship again, but I’m open to the possibility, some day.

Why is it taboo to discuss these things with the bereaved? We’re still human beings, with emotions, wants and desires. For me, the physical contact is one of the things I miss the most now. I can close my eyes and feel Joe’s arms around me, and sometimes I dream about those past moments in techno-color. I think today I just miss the burning embers of a fire lit so many years ago.

*credit Clint Black