Cover me

I drove into the garage yesterday, my workday over and another weekend just beginning. Hanging on a nail in front of my car is that old coat of Joe’s. The one I can’t make myself take down. Today I just want to wrap myself up inside of it.

I’ve come to dread the weekends. Long days alone with my thoughts, longer nights just alone. No one to cover me.

Yesterday was just a normal day. Filled with work, dogs, routine. But in between the normal, it was one of those days where the tears wouldn’t stop. I cried in my car on my way to work, at lunch, on my way home, and most of the evening last night until I laid my head down to try and sleep.

My dreams were filled with Joe last night. But it wasn’t my Joe. He was a much younger version, a twenty-something Joe. Full of himself, not weathered by life, not phased by love. Dream Joe didn’t open doors for me, he didn’t dote on me, he wasn’t in love with me. He was too busy with friends, and parties, and everything else that his twenty-something life was probably like. I met him in his thirties, at a point when he realized what he really wanted, what he really needed. And he wanted and needed me.

So I went to sleep sad, and woke up this morning sad because my dreams weren’t filled with the man that I love. They weren’t filled with the man who wore that coat. The guy whose smile made my heart melt, whose arms made me feel safe. They weren’t filled with my love who always carried the load.

And today that load is so heavy. I miss my husband so much. I don’t know how to be anything other than his wife. So, I’ll spend another weekend lost in a world that doesn’t feel like mine anymore. Surrounded by my things, loved by my family and my dogs, I feel like a stranger in my own skin. My safe haven is gone.

I know this is a process. And I know these days are to be expected. I will pull myself out of this hole and find something productive to do this weekend. Or I could just wrap myself up in that coat of his, and miss him even more.

But even that coat won’t cover me and give me shelter from this storm. That coat can’t carry this load. Besides, it’s been hanging there for a long time so it’s probably full of spiders.

I think I’ll just leave it there for now.