Be here long

Time has become such a relative thing. While the days are flying by, the moments seem to stand still sometimes. At this moment exactly one year ago I lost my husband. September 22nd at 1:07am.

In true Joe form he bargained with the man upstairs, asking to stay those twelve days in ICU so he could make sure we were all going to be okay. How am I so sure of that? Because I knew my Joe’s heart.

While his body may have been kept alive by machines, I believe his soul was with us the entire time, floating around in that hospital room. He was comforting us, fueling our hope for his healing. And while I prayed for a healing on this side of eternity, God healed him completely and took him home.

I was the only one at the hospital that morning. It was day twelve and everyone was wearing thin. When his doctor stepped into the room, I knew things were about to change. I could feel the shift. He told me if there was no improvement over the weekend, we would need to have a different conversation. He said there weren’t any facilities in Oklahoma that would take someone on a ventilator and dialysis. Joe would have to be moved. The closest place was in Illinois.

We were running out of time.

I know Joe heard every word of that conversation. I also knew he never wanted long-term care, never wanted to be kept alive on machines. And he absolutely would have never wanted to uproot me, even though he knew I’d go to the ends of the earth for him.

He knew it was time to go. Honestly, so did I.

In the middle of that night, I had to help my beautiful man make his way to heaven. That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. And while I know he is in a better place, the strength it has taken me to keep going without him is immeasurable.

It’s been a long year. And yet, it feels like Joe passed away just yesterday. I was mourning my parents when I lost him. I needed him to help me through. And in a lot of ways he did, even in his absence. Knowing they are together eases my pain. Being without my better half has been a difficult adjustment. I’m still adjusting. But I’m finding my way.

I’ve learned so much about myself this past year. I’m tougher than I ever thought possible. I can do most everything for myself, but I am so grateful to have an amazing support system around me. My faith is stronger than it ever was. I fall more often than I care to admit, and the waves of grief catch me by surprise. The tears are still plentiful and uncontrollable. The loneliness is still unbearable. But I know I’m going to be okay. Afterall, I’ve got the best guardian angel watching over me.

I still miss my husband, but I know exactly where he is, and I’ll see him again in a little while. Until then . . .

“Close my eyes and think of you
Go to sleep and dream of you
We don’t get to be here long
I gave you the best of me
Loved you more than anything
But we don’t get to be here long”