The best of me

Recently I realized something. I’m too old to be a young widow, and too young to be an old one. I’m kind of stuck in the middle somewhere. My grandmother was the same way. Only 63 when my grandfather died in 1979, she never remarried. She lived to be 98. I’m hopeful I have a good 30+ years left on this beautiful earth. But to go it alone is daunting.

At sixty, I seem to think I have to reinvent my future now.

And then I re-watched “A Man Called Otto” with Tom Hanks over the weekend. While I have experienced the same despair that Otto did in this movie, I’ve never once thought my life was not worth living or that I was ready to join my husband on the other side. Although I can understand how someone could. The darkness and the sadness are so overwhelming in the grips of losing your spouse.

I believe I was at my best with Joe. I loved being married to him. Our relationship defined who I was in a lot of ways, but not in every way. I’m very outspoken when prompted, but not outgoing at all. It’s easy for me to reach out to those I love, but it’s hard for me to make new friends. I struggle with being alone, but I find it difficult to make the effort to do something different.

In the depths of grief, there is a need to receive the love you continue to give your late spouse. Just as when you were married, the give-and-take of your love for each other was the glue that held your relationship together. Now, it’s a one-way street. What I learned from this movie is even though our loved ones can no longer reciprocate, their love is still all around us.

My Joe’s love is still all around me. Dinners with family, a phone call from a friend, a smile from a stranger, a card in the mail, a sweet dream of times gone by. All examples of Joe’s love for me and how he & God continue to orchestrate from the heavens.

Yes, Joe’s love is the best of me, but he didn’t take it with him when he died. I need to stop focusing on the future. I need to enjoy what is happening right in front of me every single day. I need to accept the love that is all around me knowing that it’s love from Joe, just in a new form.

“Now and again, in the palm of my hand
I feel your touch
So I write it all down in these moments I’ve found
‘Til I see you, my love”