I Am Not Alone

Last night I sat in a stranger’s living room, gathered with a group of women who had one thing in common. We have all lost our spouses. It was the monthly meeting of our widow’s group. A time to gather, enjoy food, share stories, and lift each other up. Sometimes I’m angry on the drive over to these meetings. I talk to Joe and tell him I can’t believe he left me here to gather with a bunch of women. He knows how terrible I am at having women friends. My circle of female friends is very small.

But all of that melts away as soon as I walk in.

Heartbreaking stories were shared last night. Stories that took my breath away. Stories that reminded me of my own trauma losing both my parents and my Joe in a year’s time. I also heard stories of communities coming together. From mowing yards, installing Christmas lights, and fixing odds and ends around the house. Each story reminded me just how lucky I am inside my tiny circle. My brother-in-law Jack has helped me literally every time I’ve called, and even before I knew I needed it. My son Jeff checks in on me throughout the week, guised behind funny texts and quick phone calls, all to make sure his mom is doing okay. I’m blessed with friends and family who will show up at the drop of a hat to help me, and a work family that has stood by me after so much loss.

It’s so easy in the middle of your grief to think you’re all alone, even when you aren’t. I can remember saying “no one understands what I’m going through”, as if that meant they couldn’t help me. In my early days of grief, it was easy to dismiss the ones that wanted to do something. “I’m too tired today” or “I just don’t think I can” became an excuse not to deal. You can only do that for so long, because as much as we hate it, life keeps moving forward. And we have to move forward too.

In that safe space last night, testimonies were spoken. God’s love filled the room. I made a post over the weekend about how God is in control, but he doesn’t expect us to lean on a shovel and pray for a hole. It took me a year after I lost my husband to realize that. The Lord was always with me, even when I cried out to Him and couldn’t feel His presence.

He was waiting for me to dig.

Being a part of this widow’s group has helped me learn how to dig. It’s helped me learn that I am not alone. His plan for me is greater than anything I could imagine. I just have to trust and know that His goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.