Melancholy holidays

The holiday season is in full swing. The lights are on my house, the tree is decorated, and my Santa collection is on display. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Delivering treats to friends, shopping, wrapping, baking, baking and more baking. I’m finding it a challenge to fill my evenings and weekends. But I’m trying to find my way.

I’m doing everything I possibly can to make this second Christmas without my husband as normal as possible. But let’s be honest, there’s nothing normal about it.

I don’t have much recollection of last year’s holidays. It is all a blur. In a way I’m appreciative for the memory loss. Those first six months were hard enough without the recall. The gaping hole in our family was glaringly obvious once again this year at Thanksgiving without Joe and both my parents. Our tribe is smaller, but in some ways stronger than ever. I’m so thankful for my family. They keep me grounded.

Joe & I loved Christmas time! Driving around looking at Christmas lights all over town, singing along to our favorite holiday songs in the car. It was a fun challenge to try and find a new Santa to add to our collection. We watched all the holiday movies together: Christmas Vacation, It’s a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story over and over again. I’m a traditional girl, and I loved our traditions. I’ll still watch the movies and listen to the songs, but now that he’s gone none of it feels the same anymore.

Healing takes a conscious effort. Every single day I have to choose to find the joy. Most of the time I find it, even if it’s just the joy of my dogs greeting me at the door. My emotions are still all over the place. When a favorite song comes on or a memory crosses my mind unexpectedly, ginormous tears still fall uncontrollably. I’ve learned to accept my “crazy crying”. It will be a permanent part of my future, because those beautiful, amazing people were such an important part of my past.

Given the reason for the season, there is always something to be grateful for. I am grateful that I know exactly where my husband and my parents are. What a gift it must be to celebrate Jesus’ birthday in heaven! I know they are all with me in spirit, waiting for me to join them someday. Until then, I’ll lean on their love to keep propelling me forward. And when I stumble, and I will, I’ll let that same love pick me up.

I’m reminded of a faith step that was in one of my devotionals back in 2020. It said:

“In the moment during your Christmas holiday that seems the messiest, the weirdest, the loneliest, or the most chaotic, pause and say this prayer ‘Come, Lord Jesus. Thank you for entering into this place with me.’”

For those navigating loss, I hope you’re able to invite Jesus to join you in your grief. May you find His peace that surpasses all understanding. Give yourself a lot of grace. And remember, the light of those we’ve lost remains. It shines bright in the heavens above. Follow the light.