2am

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I fall asleep quickly but wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and just stare at the ceiling. Sometimes for hours. Maybe it’s insomnia, maybe it’s depression. I think I’m just lonely.

I’m not talking about lonely for visitors. I don’t mean lonely for conversation around the water cooler at work, friendly chitchat in the grocery store when you run into someone you know, or catching up with family when you gather for a meal together.

I’m talking about the waking up to someone everyday, holding hands, cuddling hugs that doesn’t exist in my life anymore lonely. I’m talking about intimacy, big spoon little spoon, flirting, and yes, sex kind of lonely. Someone to worry about you, tell you that you look nice, or that they miss you lonely. Someone to say good morning and tell you to have a good day, kiss you goodnight and tell you to have sweet dreams. That kind of lonely.

I wrote about “widows fire“ once before. And honestly, that term pisses me off. These are not feelings of intimacy that I haven’t had for the last 20+ years with my late husband. They’re not new to me, they’re not new to any widow or widower out there. They are normal, every day feelings that got ripped away from us in a moment’s notice. They don’t need a term, I don’t need to hide in shame because I feel this way, and there’s nothing I can do to get that back with my husband. And I know that. I also know nobody wants to talk about this. So I sit here at 2am, with tears rolling down my face, writing my feelings down. Because maybe if I get it all down “its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to”.

I’ll just keep writing and missing my Joe. I’ll keep praying for someone to love me even half as much as he did someday. And I’ll keep hoping my future isn’t as empty as my life is right now.

I know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. I just have to hang on, and breathe.