When I think of you

I was driving to work this morning and a song I’d never heard before started playing, Journey’s “When I Think of You”. Of course, Steve Perry could sing the phone book, so it’s not surprising it’s a beautiful song. The lyric spoke to what my life is like every second of every day. Yesterday was exactly sixteen months since my husband passed away, and I can honestly say there is never a time that he isn’t on my mind.

This far in, I wouldn’t have thought he’d consume my thoughts the way he does. Some may call it obsessive, and honestly sometimes it feels that way. I do dream about him. He is almost always young in my dreams. His gorgeous hazel eyes sparkling like they did when we met, with that mischievous smile and that one little dimple. He isn’t carrying any of the battle scars he endured here on earth. But occasionally, I relive the nightmare of him going into cardiac arrest in the living room. Those are the nights I end up on the couch staring at the ceiling. Ironically right where we spoke for the very last time. Sometimes I feel like I’m taking two steps forward and ten steps back in this grief journey.

This morning, he may have been my own personal DJ, because after the Journey song, that damn Pink song came on next. You know the one, where the first line is ironically “when I think of you” and where he’ll tell me all about it ‘when I get there’. And of course, I cried my way to work like I’ve done a million times since he left me.

My Joe had a big personality. He filled the room. And he was a doer. If we weren’t working, we were out together running errands, sharing a meal, or spending time with friends. Never comfortable just sitting around, Joe was constantly moving. Tuning a car or building something, his music blaring in the background, the dogs underfoot. I never realized what a reassuring feeling it was having him in another room, the garage, or the backyard, even if we were doing completely separate things. Just knowing he was close gave me such peace. How I took that peaceful feeling for granted all those years. The house is so quiet now that he’s gone. I play music most of the time, or the tv is on even though I’m not watching it (yes, still the Hallmark channel). But even with that noise, it’s still so quiet. And the wintertime is making the silence deafening.

I know I’ve come a long way, even if there are days where it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve learned to accept my circumstances, and I am hopeful for a future filled with joy and even the possibility of new love. I’d like to think these thoughts and memories of us are like an adhesive. Helping me glue the fragments of my broken heart back together. He’ll just keep shining through the cracks because I have so much love left inside of me that was meant for him. So much love that never ends.

And I see your face
Young and so free, smiling at me
In your eyes I walk without fear
We’re together again
Where the love never ends
Because you’re right here
When I think of you