Older and wiser

Several things happened this week that seem so surreal to me. First, I turned sixty-one. How in the world did that happen? Time is flying by. It seems like it was just yesterday I was writing a blog post about turning sixty and wanting to skip the month of February. And here we are again, another birthday without my husband. I’m leaning on all the memories of past birthdays with my Joe. He spoiled me rotten and also relished in me being three years older than him for the next five months of each year. I’m feeling melancholy for sure, but I am happy to report I haven’t cried one single tear so far. That feels like progress to me.

I also took a huge risk this week and asked a man out on a date. Of course, I haven’t been on a date in over a quarter century, so I had no idea what I was doing. But how will I ever move forward without taking a chance, right?

So, with my heart on my sleeve, I took the risk and sent him a text, after I typed and re-typed it a dozen times of course. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long for his reply. I appreciated his quick response, even if his answer was no.

If I can offer any advice to other widows and widowers dipping their toes back in the dating pool, it’s this. Any positive attention will feel like possibility. Let me say that louder for the ones in the back. Any positive attention will feel like possibility. Make sure you aren’t just acting on the fact that you are so lonely. Be certain you’d like to see where it goes before you ask. Because the answer might be yes. If you truly aren’t ready, you stand to hurt someone else.

I wrestled with asking for several months before I actually did. I wanted to be sure my intentions weren’t self-serving. In the end I came to the conclusion that I really do like him, and I wanted to see if there could be any spark. Perhaps the universe just knew we are better off as friends and spared me more disappointment had he said yes. I’m grateful we were able to just talk about it like adults, and I’m so happy our friendship is still intact because he is a genuinely wonderful human being, and I can’t imagine him not being in my life as my friend.

I thought it would be hard having a man say he wasn’t interested in me in that way. Maybe it’s just a maturity thing. Maybe it’s because no rejection could compare to the heartbreak I’ve already experienced losing my husband. Of course, thanks to grief, the guilt of having feelings for someone else and taking new risks creeped in and rolled around in my head. Grief tries to say you’re betraying the one you lost. I know it’s unreasonable, but it still happens. I’m learning to release that guilt as quickly as it comes.

Teddy Swims’ music has been on repeat this week, this song specifically. It reminds me of Joe and the beautiful love he so easily gave me for our entire life together. How lucky I am to carry that love in my heart forever.

“I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
Know there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love”

I talk to Joe about my future all the time. Sending my hopes and dreams into the atmosphere, praying he will help guide me in the right direction. I know he doesn’t see my moving forward as a betrayal. I am certain he wants me to find love and be happy again.

As my birthday comes to a close, I don’t regret getting older. It’s a gift and a privilege not everyone gets to experience. And I certainly don’t regret asking my friend out. Afterall, in the end we only regret the chances we did not take.