Learn to be still

Listening to music is something my late husband and I did every day. We spent so many evenings outside just chilling out. Him playing DJ with his eclectic musical taste, me singing along, my head resting against his shoulder, eyes closed. I knew better than to take those moments for granted. I just miss that so much.

It took me a long time to find my way back to that outdoor oasis. I started with just five minutes at a time. That wasn’t worth the trouble of unlocking the attached building to turn on the stereo. So, I’d sit in my silence, silence that quickly became tears. Slowly, I worked my way up to being able to sit alone for thirty minutes. I’d just carry my little Bluetooth speaker with me, sometimes letting YouTube play whatever it was going to. Other times picking and choosing what I wanted to hear.

These days, I sit outside practically every evening. I take the time to open the building, connect my phone to the old Apple Airfly on Joe’s 1982 Pioneer stereo system. The dogs run and play while I kick back on the couch, close my eyes, and let the music go. I skip a few songs in the playlist. Some songs are still too hard to listen to. But it’s easier to be still now.

I had to learn to be still after my husband died. Grief is a tricky thing. One minute you think you’re doing quite well, and then you’re not. It’s really that simple. Certain things, certain people, certain memories bring it all to the surface as if he just died yesterday. Having a place where I can let all that go is so important.

Don’t get me wrong, I still cry. ALOT. I still miss my Joe, my old life, my old self. But I just “keep on running” towards that new life, that new me. The difference is that I know now how important it is to take the time to just breathe, to just be still.

I wanted to share an Eagle’s song with you, but in true Eagles fashion I can’t find it anywhere. So, I’ll share the best cover of it I can find.

This song has never spoken to me as loudly as it has through this journey of loss. And while I’ve learned to be still, I’m still trying to figure out how to be okay with where I am.

There are so many contradictions
In all these messages we send
Keep asking
How do I get outta here?
Where do I fit in?

Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin’
It’s waiting for you to awaken
Someday you will
Learn to be still