Joy and grief

I had an epiphany this weekend! Okay, well maybe I had too many jalapeno margaritas, but that’s beside the point.

People have been telling me that joy and grief can coexist. I didn’t understand how. I felt like I was “doing” grief wrong. How in the world can I enjoy life without my husband? After you lose your spouse, traveling without them means carrying a suitcase full of emotions like guilt, loneliness, sadness. Grief is never very far. You can always count on it rearing it ugly head. Up until now, I always felt bad for crying while everyone was having a great time. I never wanted to be a downer or a burden, so I’d go back to my hotel room, the spare bedroom, even someone’s pantry, and cry alone.

I’ve wasted so much time on previous trips wishing Joe could be with me, when I should have been enjoying the experience knowing he was all around me.

This weekend was different. Maybe even a turning point for me.

Every year, my late husband’s brothers & sisters, their significant others, and their mom, all gather at the lake. This is the third year we’ve done this without my husband. This year seemed a bit more relaxed, but maybe that was just me. There was delicious food and wonderful conversations. We told stories, swam, and reminisced. I even chipped in with a few funny stories about my Joe after more than my share of the previously mentioned margaritas.

Joy & grief were side by side over the weekend. Joe was always the life of the party. His absence was palpable, and it overtook me once as everyone gathered for dinner one evening. I just hung back for a few minutes and had a good cry and a better hug from my sister-in-law. No retreating to a quiet place. My head kept telling my heart to have fun, and this time I followed it. I’d say that’s progress.

This is how joy and grief should exist alongside each other every day. Being with those who loved your person is key. Don’t just share your sorrows, share your happiness too! By gathering together, remembering all the good times, and making plans for future adventures, I gave my grief the opportunity to exist without completely overtaking my emotions. This grief of mine is never going away. Luckily there is so much more joy to experience, and I’m ready.

Lesson learned. On to the next adventure!