Better place

I hopped on a plane over the weekend and headed to our favorite beach, determined to spend the second anniversary of my husband’s death anywhere but here. I had no expectations for this trip. It was only my second time flying alone, and my first time ever staying in a hotel by myself or driving myself around in a rental all alone. I realize that sounds ridiculous at 61 years old, but it’s true. Surprisingly, none of that made me anxious.

That was a good start.

This particular beach, New Smyrna Beach, is our favorite place on earth. I grew up going there as a child and once I introduced it to Joe, he fell in love. I stayed on Flagler Avenue; the north main drag lined with bars and boutiques on both sides of the brick-lined street. Many years ago, the city decided to sell personalized sidewalk bricks. Joe & I bought one back in 2020 and had it installed right in front of our favorite ice cream shop. Shortly after he passed away, I ordered another, putting it in front of one of the bars where we sat many times outdoors, drinking and watching the people go by. A manufacturing issue kept that brick from being installed until this past summer. But my Joe made sure I walked right to it my first night there.

This trip was meant to be a distraction. I walked the beach, visited with family, ate way too much, drank even more, and tried not to be reminded of the significance of the date. Of course, that’s impossible to do when that day is seared into my brain and my heart forever. I was grateful when Monday arrived, and my phone started buzzing with text messages from friends and family just checking on me. Thankful for their concern, but even more so that they remembered Joe in their own way. I feel like it’s my job to keep his memory alive. Luckily, he was someone who is very hard to forget.

A sweet friend of mine shared a song with me that day. He always seems to know exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. The song was written and performed by another local artist from Oklahoma. I’ve seen her live and she is mega-talented. This song is a beautiful reminder that, while yesterday is gone, every morning I have the chance to start over again. And even though I have to do that without my Joe, he’s never far from my heart.

As a matter of fact, Joe was with me every step of the way on my little adventure to Florida. He led me right to his brick. His voice was in the waves rolling in and out, his memories in the seashells I collected on the shore. He woke me up again this year at 1:07am early Monday morning. The exact time he made his way to heaven two years ago. He even orchestrated all green lights for the 30-mile trek back to the airport to keep me from missing my flight. But mostly he was the sunshine. And as I sat on that beach with my eyes closed, face turned toward heaven, I could feel him all around me.

I know I haven’t handled my stress and the trauma of everything very well in the last two years. This trip reminded me how important it is to slow down, to chill out, to just breathe. And when life gets to be too much, from now on I’ll just step outside. Like the song says, “a little sunshine on your face and before you know it, you’re in a better place”. Yesterday may be gone, but it will never be forgotten, and I’m grateful for so many wonderful memories of that sweet husband of mine.