Bizzaro world

How was your weekend? Mine was nothing to write home about. To start, I’ve been battling a knee injury and started physical therapy on Friday. My pain level was elevated, my energy level was low, and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

I didn’t do a damn thing all weekend. I watched an unhealthy number of Seinfeld re-runs, ate a couple big salads and too many black & white cookies. Sunday morning rolled around and found me sleeping in later than normal. If the dogs hadn’t needed out, I probably would have stayed in bed all day. I begrudgingly got up, made a pot of coffee, sent the girls off to chase squirrels, and settled in for a quiet day.

Imagine my surprise when my Facebook Messenger dinged that morning. I don’t talk to many people on the app. Honestly, I really only talk to one person. So, when this new message came through it took me by surprise. Y’all remember “no picture guy” from e-Harmony? The widowed cameraman who wanted to learn to rap? It was from him. I guess he finally got around to looking at his message requests six months later.

I didn’t get excited when I saw it was from him. I actually kind of panicked. My heart started racing, and a massive sense of guilt washed over me. Stupid, I know. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. Why was I feeling this way? I couldn’t make myself read the message. I got up, refilled my coffee, let the dogs in, paced around the house for a minute. This was ridiculous. It was just a message. He probably wasn’t suggesting we meet, or get to know each other, or even become Facebook friends. It was likely just a note replying to my moderately embarrassing attempt to contact him.

My subconscious screamed “just read it!”

So, I did. He was very gracious. He said he’d read my blog and understood it far too well. He had never gone back to e-Harmony after setting up his profile and had since been in a relationship with someone from his past. He apologized for not responding sooner. There was no need, but I appreciated the effort.

And that was that.

My initial reaction when I saw his name on my phone had me so confused. Deep down I didn’t want him to suggest we get to know each other. What is wrong with me? Does that mean I just thought I was ready to date but I’m really not? Or was this just the universe’s way of closing that door so I wouldn’t wonder? Not that I was still wondering, but he did cross my mind now and then. Did he ever learn how to rap?

So many questions. And yet another day in the life of a widow who has no clue where she’s going.

Widowhood is clear as mud. It’s like folding a fitted sheet. Nobody really knows how to do it. There is no right way, no wrong way. You just have to do your best. You don’t know what you don’t know. You can never be sure if you’re ready to move forward. But you’ll never move forward if you don’t take a step in the right direction. And then you have to be prepared that it could end up being the wrong direction altogether. Your feelings change on a dime. The loneliness continues being the loudest silence you’ve ever heard. But the thought of loving and losing again is terrifying. You always seem to have one foot in the past and one foot in the future. See, clear as mud.

Any other widows or widowers out there with bizarre reactions to certain situations? Tell me all about it and make me feel normal please!