Category: Gratitude
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Dear December
I’m writing to let you know you didn’t win this year. My third Christmas without my sweet man hasn’t brought me to my knees like it did last year or the year before. You thought you could break me with your jolly songs and holiday decor everywhere. Originally, I thought you would. I had no…
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These dreams
Do you take something to help you sleep? I’ve taken 20mg of melatonin for as long as I can remember, but over the summer I started having terrible nightmares. Not sure what was causing it, I decided to cut back to 10mg. It’s taken a while for my system to sort things out. Going to…
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Joy and grief
I had an epiphany this weekend! Okay, well maybe I had too many jalapeno margaritas, but that’s beside the point. People have been telling me that joy and grief can coexist. I didn’t understand how. I felt like I was “doing” grief wrong. How in the world can I enjoy life without my husband? After…
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These eyes
Time seems to be flying by at a record pace these days. My parents lived well into their eighties and both aged so very gracefully. As we get older, we expect to see progressive changes in ourselves. Our hair begins to gray, wrinkles become more prominent. This physical transformation is a beautiful reminder to embrace…
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Ain’t no mountain
Have you noticed your circle of friends is smaller than before your loss? I’m not talking about the new people you’ve met since your significant other died. I’m talking about the circle of friends you had before. There are two things you can anticipate when you lose your spouse. Friends who step in, and those…
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Millionaire
Once again, the YouTube algorithm brought me a song I’d never heard before. A song I know my late husband never heard, because he would have shared it with me. I miss that. He’d send me new music to listen to almost every day. Or we’d sit in the backyard bar in the evenings and…
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Broken
Strong, happy, so very lucky. Those are the words I would have used to describe myself before my husband passed away. Shattered, crushed, broken. That’s how I would describe myself now. But that’s probably not what others see every day. It’s weird what you can get used to, and what you can cover up. Growing…
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Older and wiser
Several things happened this week that seem so surreal to me. First, I turned sixty-one. How in the world did that happen? Time is flying by. It seems like it was just yesterday I was writing a blog post about turning sixty and wanting to skip the month of February. And here we are again,…
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Year 2
I’m halfway through my second year without my Joe, and I can tell you without any reservation that year two of this grief is harder than I expected. The first year I walked around in a fog, unable to process the trauma of everything. The flashbacks have come back in full force. Performing chest compressions…
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Gonna let it shine
Do you feel like you’ve turned a corner in your grief journey? After walking down the same long, dark path for the last 500 days, I feel like I finally have. I have no idea where I’m headed, but my soul feels lighter and I’m willing to move forward to find out. It could be…
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Not enough
All around me, I see people walking boldly in their faith. Widows and widowers who have lost their spouses, cancer patients fighting to survive, single people praying for a forever partner, parents asking for guidance for their children. The people around me pray better than I do. They write about God more prolifically than I…
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I Am Not Alone
Last night I sat in a stranger’s living room, gathered with a group of women who had one thing in common. We have all lost our spouses. It was the monthly meeting of our widow’s group. A time to gather, enjoy food, share stories, and lift each other up. Sometimes I’m angry on the drive…
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My heroes
It’s Christmas time again. My second Christmas without my Joe. I started a new tradition last year and took holiday treats to all the nurses in the ICU where my husband spent his last days. Today the tradition continued. As I stepped inside the hospital entrance and told the security guard where I was headed,…
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Grateful for connection
One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with since my husband passed away is the loneliness. It’s interesting to me because there were many times when Joe and I would both be home, sitting in the same room, and not saying a word to each other. The silence in this house is deafening…
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What doesn’t kill you
Cancer played a big part over the last six years of my late husband’s life. Is it the reason Joe isn’t with us today? Maybe. No one knows for sure. Seven years ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. The cancer was in his colon and lymph nodes. The only symptom he…
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Members only
I recently joined the local chapter of a nation-wide organization called “Never Alone Widows”. I attended my third get together last night. It was a “Friendsgiving” of sorts at the home of one of the ladies in the group. It was potluck, with delicious main courses, sides dishes and desserts. One by one women from…
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The best of me
Recently I realized something. I’m too old to be a young widow, and too young to be an old one. I’m kind of stuck in the middle somewhere. My grandmother was the same way. Only 63 when my grandfather died in 1979, she never remarried. She lived to be 98. I’m hopeful I have a…
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You can’t always get what you want
“Happiness is a choice.” A friend of mine posted this quote on the Facebook the other day. She then asked others what that quote meant to them. The responses were interesting, and expected, and some were even inspiring. It’s so easy to say “I choose to be happy” when life is going well. On the…
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A little bit stronger
When your husband dies everything changes. Not just how you’re regarded by others, but also how you perceive yourself. I’m single now. I’m still a mom, but no longer a wife. I’m the third wheel around other couples. I’m “the widow” around acquaintances. I’m still an introvert. I’m still a rule follower. I try to…
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I wish you peace
I took another trip to Florida. A short one this time with my mother-in-law and Joe’s sisters. I showed them his favorite place on earth, New Smyrna Beach. After my trip in July, I was worried how this one would go. I didn’t find any peace last time. It was a struggle being there without…
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It’s amazing
I’m not sure what happened, but lately the weight on my heart has been lighter. I feel like I can see a future in front of me, even without my Joe. Just to type that is hard, but also feels honest and real. It’s almost been a year since he went into cardiac arrest in…
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In loving memory
Words are pouring out of me this week. It’s kind of a momentous week. My mom’s birthday was today, and the anniversary of my dad’s death is tomorrow. Two years my dad has been gone. He went on hospice the day before her birthday, but he waited until the day after to leave us. I…
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The house that built me
We gathered this week, in our childhood vacation spot, to honor my parents. I thought we were there for closure. Our dad passed away in August 2022, mom following in April 2023. They were cremated, did not want any funerals, and their ashes have been sitting in my living room ever since. It’s been an…
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A safe place to land
I’ve been reflecting on the past a lot lately and thinking about all of the wonderful qualities my Joe had. We were friends before we were a couple. And a friend was exactly what I needed at that particular point in my life. Joe was so compassionate and the best listener I’d ever known. In…
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Times like these
I joined a new online grief group recently. I was looking for answers. It only took reading a dozen posts to realize there wasn’t a single person there who could answer my questions, because grief is such an individual journey. Of course, the individual journey continues, and with it comes days of sadness that are…
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I remember you
I had the weirdest dream last night. It was like a Hallmark movie only Joe & I were the actors. I’m sure this is because my tv has been on the Hallmark channel non-stop since he passed away. It’s the only thing that has no drugs, no screaming, no killing, no crime. I don’t really…
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Firm foundation
These are my parents, Jim & Shirley. My parent’s love story is one for the ages. Married for 67 years, they met in 1955. Both were serving in the United States Air Force in Texas. Mom worked in the post office on base and dad was in flight school. He stopped in to get his…
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What’s in a name?
Widow. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word widow? I used to think of that deadly black spider. My Joe probably thought of Scarlett Johansson in those tight leather pants from The Avengers. Now it means so much more. If you mention you’re a widow to a stranger, their…
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Friends who are family
Over the weekend I spent some time at our best friend’s home for their granddaughter’s birthday. They live on a family compound in a tiny northeast Oklahoma town not far from me. Their property is beautiful. Filled with bridges crossing streams, trees everywhere, a giant vegetable garden, and fun and games all around. We spent…
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Sometimes love just ain’t enough
I fell down the big black hole of grief today. Deep into the hole. It’s been a while. It started with my mammogram screening. As I sat in that little room waiting to be called back, all I could think about was “what if something’s wrong” and “how would I go through that alone”. Next…
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The song remembers when
Do you ever fear you’re going to start forgetting your person? Forgetting certain memories, ways they made you feel, or what their voice sounded like? I’m lucky that I saved voicemails from my late husband Joe and can listen to them whenever I want. I even have some videos from our game nights with friends,…
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Blessings in the storm
This week I have been reminded that, while life doesn’t always go the way we plan, there is always something to be grateful for. I was also reminded that grief can magnify the small problems and make them feel much larger than they are. My “storm” this week was superficial at best. I wrecked my…
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Can you say published?
I’m so excited to announce that most of this blog and all of the handwritten letters to my Joe have been published and are now available in paperback for all the book lovers out there. I honestly can’t wait to get my own copy. I’m a book lover myself! Order from Amazon here https://a.co/d/590LM6K, and…
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The part of me that’s you
It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able…
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In your eyes
You know how they say the eyes are the windows to the soul? It’s so true. I could tell how Joe was feeling just by looking into his eyes. When he was really tired his eyes were super light with tiny specks of green. When he was very sick, they were almost black and so…
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Bloom
Easter is upon us. A time for rebirth, new life. Not just Christ’s rebirth, but everything around us as well. The flowers and the trees are coming alive again after lying dormant for so many months. I can’t help but think God planned it so his Son would rise again just as His Creation would…
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Learning to walk again
I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since…
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Sending me angels
I spent my morning hanging out at home, doing nothing in particular. I had plans later with our friends Jeff & Lisa for an afternoon of Scrabble. As I was getting ready, an overwhelming sense of grief came over me and my tears would not stop. I knew I needed to move, to get out…
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Digging for diamonds
Do you ever find yourself looking for the bright spots in each day? Right after my husband passed away, I was hard-pressed to find any glimmers of light. A few months in and I started looking for them. I like to call this “digging for diamonds”. Looking everywhere for even the tiniest thing that made…
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Babe
My dear friend Jennifer came over on Monday. She brought us dinner, and we talked for hours about love and life, grief and survival. She understands exactly where I am because she walked this very path eight years ago after losing her husband Roger. Roger & Joe’s circumstances surrounding their deaths were very similar. She…
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An eagle, a deacon & so much joy
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and my first thought wasn’t about my loss. How amazing is that? Last night I attended the Eagles Long Goodbye Final Tour in Tulsa. Joe’s sister & her husband were gracious enough to buy me a ticket to go with them. The Eagles are…
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Dear everyone
It was suggested in my grief group that I write a grief letter to friends and family so everyone knows exactly where I am. Honestly, it sounded a little narcissistic. But then I thought about my friends who have walked this path. It would have been useful to know how they were and what I…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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Day full of gratefulness
The last few weeks have been such a challenge for me. Between illness and the lack of sunshine, my spirits were truly at the bottom of the barrel. This morning I got up and drove over to my mother-in-law’s house to pick her up for church. The fog was thick most of the way there.…
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This ain’t nothin’
Boy, the pity party has been raging around here for days! It started when what I thought was a cold jumped into high gear two nights ago. I tried to sleep in the living room, sitting upright because I couldn’t breathe or stop coughing when I laid down. Instead, I was up all-night. It wasn’t…
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In dreams
I finally dreamt about Joe last night! This is the first time I’ve seen him in my dreams at night. He visited me once during a nap one afternoon when I fell asleep in the living room chair. That one was brief, and sweet, and almost like a flashback from the beginning of our relationship.…
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Exhale
Well, I can’t explain it, but today was just a good day. And honestly, it’s so nice to have just a good day. No tears, no anxiety, no worries. Every time I thought of Joe, which was all the time, I smiled. I’m thankful for all the years we had together, I’m grateful for the…
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Easy come, hard go
As the year comes to a close, all I can do is keep moving forward. This grief still knocks me to my knees and makes it so hard to breathe. I’ll try to exhale all the stress and sadness 2023 ushered in and pray for the coming year to be filled with a peace that…
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My ride or die
I was never the girl in high school who had tons of girlfriends, and I’ve never been a “girl’s night out” kind of gal. Honestly, I’ve never really had many girlfriends until I hit my 40’s. In the early 2000’s Joe and I were lucky enough to work at the same company (where I still…
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Abundant blessings
Have you ever wondered if it was possible to live with a grateful heart when that same heart is shattered into a million pieces? Well, I am here to tell you that you can. Today was such an amazing day. My sister-in-law met me unexpectedly at home for a delicious lunch and wonderful conversation. My…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 