Category: Grief
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Nothing compares to you
I have this habit of pulling up YouTube videos, picking one song and then letting the algorithm pick the rest of what I’m going to listen to for the day. I’ve been stuck in Chris Cornell’s music for days now. Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave. His voice was perfection. He could have sung the…
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All you need is love
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about a potential future relationship. I mean A LOT of thinking. I have a lot of time on my hands these days. Anyway, the thought of dating scares the shit out of me. A friend asked me what I would be looking for in a man? I’ve…
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I remember you
I had the weirdest dream last night. It was like a Hallmark movie only Joe & I were the actors. I’m sure this is because my tv has been on the Hallmark channel non-stop since he passed away. It’s the only thing that has no drugs, no screaming, no killing, no crime. I don’t really…
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Against the wind
Sometimes this grief is like a strong wind blowing me back against my own steps. Some days I feel as if I am making progress. Other days I feel like I am standing still. It’s exhausting walking into the wind. It steals all of your energy and sometimes steers you in the wrong direction, until…
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Starting over
I’ve come to the realization that if I want my life to be filled with love again, I need to step out of my comfort zone. Nothing is going to change unless I take a leap of faith. I don’t know if that means joining a dating service, or just reaching out to single men…
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Firm foundation
These are my parents, Jim & Shirley. My parent’s love story is one for the ages. Married for 67 years, they met in 1955. Both were serving in the United States Air Force in Texas. Mom worked in the post office on base and dad was in flight school. He stopped in to get his…
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Missing you
Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing. I told them I was doing pretty well, and I truly believed that. I went home last night after work, finished the project I’d started in my kitchen, spent a little time with the girls outside while they tried to find the bunnies under the shed, watered…
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The Dogfather
My husband Joe was THE BEST DOG DAD. He had many dogs in his life including Bogey the Great Dane, Sammy the Beagle-mix, and of course Grace & Hope the crazy rescues that I still have today. Joe treated his dogs like royalty. They all lived indoors, slept in bed with him, loved his barbecue…
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It’s okay to be okay
Throughout my grief journey many people have told me “It’s okay to not be okay”, and they were right. There are no rules when it comes to grief. Someone came up with the stages of grief a very long time ago (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). And all those things do happen, but they don’t…
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Life imitating art
A friend posted yesterday she was selling her late husband’s car and that opened a chasm of emotions for her and her kids. It’s so hard to let go of the things that connect us to our loved ones. I reached out to her, reminding her to be gentle with herself and to hang on…
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Who knew?
I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day about an upcoming trip we’re going on. Joe’s mom and his sisters are coming with me to the beach in the fall. I wanted them to see where Joe loved to be. And while we are there, we’ll be leaving some of him behind in his…
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What’s in a name?
Widow. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word widow? I used to think of that deadly black spider. My Joe probably thought of Scarlett Johansson in those tight leather pants from The Avengers. Now it means so much more. If you mention you’re a widow to a stranger, their…
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Sounds of silence
Today is a day etched in my memory forever. The first of many anxiety attacks. On this day in 2017, a young man lost his life at a business just across the street from our house. I was home when it happened. Asleep on the couch with a migraine, jolted up in a panic at…
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Friends who are family
Over the weekend I spent some time at our best friend’s home for their granddaughter’s birthday. They live on a family compound in a tiny northeast Oklahoma town not far from me. Their property is beautiful. Filled with bridges crossing streams, trees everywhere, a giant vegetable garden, and fun and games all around. We spent…
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Sometimes love just ain’t enough
I fell down the big black hole of grief today. Deep into the hole. It’s been a while. It started with my mammogram screening. As I sat in that little room waiting to be called back, all I could think about was “what if something’s wrong” and “how would I go through that alone”. Next…
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Far behind
I found a sticky note under my desk pad this morning. I’d forgotten I put it there last summer with a list of all the concerts I bought tickets for. This was Joe’s 57th birthday present. I learned quickly the very best gifts for him were anything that had to do with music. We gave…
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Memory in your mind
Over the last eight months, the memories that Facebook reminds me of have been so hard to see. Happier times filled with smiles and laughter. I miss those times to my core. Today marks one year since our very last vacation we ever took together. We visited our favorite little beach town, New Smyrna Beach,…
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Some things I’ll never know
Are there days where you feel like you are really handling your grief well? You actually feel like you can breathe again? Like you’ve accepted your reality and you’re moving forward? And then, out of nowhere, you get hit by that grief bus and you’re right back where you were in the beginning. Today is…
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In the strangest places
Maybe it’s just me and I force the dots to connect, thinking Joe is sending me signs when I need them. Or maybe, he knows exactly how to get my attention through music, and he really is “talking” to me from above. I choose to believe the latter. Yesterday he made his presence known once…
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Total loss
You might remember I wrecked my car last week. I was at a four-way stop and just zoned out for a second and hit another car coming through the intersection. No injuries, no air bags deployed, and yet today my car was deemed a total loss. This morning, I went to the collision center to…
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The song remembers when
Do you ever fear you’re going to start forgetting your person? Forgetting certain memories, ways they made you feel, or what their voice sounded like? I’m lucky that I saved voicemails from my late husband Joe and can listen to them whenever I want. I even have some videos from our game nights with friends,…
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Blessings in the storm
This week I have been reminded that, while life doesn’t always go the way we plan, there is always something to be grateful for. I was also reminded that grief can magnify the small problems and make them feel much larger than they are. My “storm” this week was superficial at best. I wrecked my…
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Can you say published?
I’m so excited to announce that most of this blog and all of the handwritten letters to my Joe have been published and are now available in paperback for all the book lovers out there. I honestly can’t wait to get my own copy. I’m a book lover myself! Order from Amazon here https://a.co/d/590LM6K, and…
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You are not alone
I’ve learned so much about myself in the last seven months. So much about grief, life, acceptance, and hope. Yes, hope. Death is the only thing in this life that is guaranteed. We will all die. But when it happens to someone in the prime of their life it’s so much harder to accept. Watching…
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Any minute now
It’s been over seven months since I lost my husband. I never imagined just how painful missing him would be. Just when I think I’m handling my grief okay, days like today knock me right back down. The tears wouldn’t stop on my way home for lunch. I sat in the backyard with the dogs…
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Til then I walk alone
Most of my life I’ve been a very conservative person. Always erring on the side of caution, never really taking huge risks. When I was a kid, my older brothers managed to get in enough trouble as teenagers to convince me not to do anything wrong, mostly to avoid the wrath of my parents. Married…
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The part of me that’s you
It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able…
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In your eyes
You know how they say the eyes are the windows to the soul? It’s so true. I could tell how Joe was feeling just by looking into his eyes. When he was really tired his eyes were super light with tiny specks of green. When he was very sick, they were almost black and so…
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Family tradition
My late husband Joe and I spent the better part of 10 years cooking on the competition barbeque circuit here in Oklahoma. Those were some of the best days of our lives. Setting up camp with twenty to thirty other teams, all hoping the judges liked our offerings the best. We won a few ribbons…
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Crazy train
Well, it’s official! I’ve stepped off the deep end and my dogs genuinely think I’ve lost it. I went home for lunch today and realized I forgot to change the HVAC filters over the weekend. They are in the ceiling. Being only five-foot tall, getting to them from my stepstool is a challenge. But I’ve…
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Learning to walk again
I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since…
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Cry me a river
Spring has arrived. And with it all the trees are in bloom, gardens are being prepped for planting, longer days are finally here. With the change in season, I find myself crying uncontrollably more often than not. And I had just mentioned in a previous post that I seemed to be smiling more than crying.…
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Sending me angels
I spent my morning hanging out at home, doing nothing in particular. I had plans later with our friends Jeff & Lisa for an afternoon of Scrabble. As I was getting ready, an overwhelming sense of grief came over me and my tears would not stop. I knew I needed to move, to get out…
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Digging for diamonds
Do you ever find yourself looking for the bright spots in each day? Right after my husband passed away, I was hard-pressed to find any glimmers of light. A few months in and I started looking for them. I like to call this “digging for diamonds”. Looking everywhere for even the tiniest thing that made…
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All we ever needed
I was looking through some old pictures the other night and came across this one. Joe with his incredible head of hair and both of us with smiles that could have lit up the universe. We were just starting our life together. Second marriage for both of us, we were so ready for this amazing…
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Babe
My dear friend Jennifer came over on Monday. She brought us dinner, and we talked for hours about love and life, grief and survival. She understands exactly where I am because she walked this very path eight years ago after losing her husband Roger. Roger & Joe’s circumstances surrounding their deaths were very similar. She…
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Love you anyway
I’ve been thinking a lot about the last 25 years of my life with Joe. So many wonderful memories, and some not so great ones too. We certainly didn’t have the perfect marriage, but we were perfect together. We were the epitome of peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, peas and carrots. Joe was…
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Lonely are the free
Do you know the difference between being alone and being lonely? If you are grieving the loss of your significant other I can guarantee you do. Life changes so drastically when the person you spend all of your time with, the person you wake up to and fall asleep with, the person you loved with…
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Say my name
Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to…
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I try
It’s my 60th birthday today. It’s been a weird day. I woke up torn between two worlds. Part of me wanted to get up, to thank God for waking me up, and to seize the day. The other part of me wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there. Why? Because Joe.…
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Dear God . . .
Do you struggle with your faith? I feel like my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. I have no doubts about my salvation, no doubt that Joe and my parents are in heaven, and we will be reunited again someday. God’s unfailing love is a comfort to me. But my emotions, my feelings…
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There you’ll be
Have you given any thought to your final arrangements? My Joe chose cremation. So many of us choose this method rather than being buried. I’ve have never wanted to be put in a cemetery where my son would feel obligated to visit and place flowers on my grave. I want to be cremated when my…
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Dear everyone
It was suggested in my grief group that I write a grief letter to friends and family so everyone knows exactly where I am. Honestly, it sounded a little narcissistic. But then I thought about my friends who have walked this path. It would have been useful to know how they were and what I…
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Skipping February
Valentine’s Day is coming up and so is my 60th birthday. Joe always made surf & turf for our Valentine’s Day dinner. Steak for him and lobster for me. He found the best cards and would pick the prettiest bunch of flowers at our local grocery. My birthday was no different. Every year he found…
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Further away
The more time there is between us, the further away you are. Why is this getting harder? Time does not heal all wounds.
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Take this job & shove it
Did you make honey-do lists for your significant other? I tried but wasn’t very successful at getting my husband to actually want to work off a list. Life threw us many curveballs over the years, cancer being the biggest one. Once the dust settled and Joe was done with all of his treatments, he was…
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The heart of life
Moving on. Letting go. Getting over it. The loss of your spouse is one of the most difficult losses a person will ever endure, next to losing a child. Every aspect of your life changes. Your partner in crime is gone. The person you could tell anything to, your confidant is no longer there. No…
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Losing it
Today was frantic. I came home for lunch determined to find the memorial book the funeral home put together from Joe’s service. I was looking for something inside of it. But I couldn’t find the book anywhere. I turned the house upside down, my heart beating out of my chest, tears streaming down my face…
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Better days
I am just over the four-month mark since losing my Joe. My brain seems to be working better now. I didn’t even realize the fog I’d been in. Grieving clouds everything. Imagine if you will a veil over your head. One that allows a small amount of light in, but nothing is clearly visible. Sounds…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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This ain’t nothin’
Boy, the pity party has been raging around here for days! It started when what I thought was a cold jumped into high gear two nights ago. I tried to sleep in the living room, sitting upright because I couldn’t breathe or stop coughing when I laid down. Instead, I was up all-night. It wasn’t…
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Have I told you lately?
Over the past four months I’ve had a lot of people ask me what happened to my Joe. I can clinically explain the details. He went into sudden cardiac death at home. We got him back thanks to CPR. In ICU he was put into a medically induced coma on a respirator. They attempted to…
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In dreams
I finally dreamt about Joe last night! This is the first time I’ve seen him in my dreams at night. He visited me once during a nap one afternoon when I fell asleep in the living room chair. That one was brief, and sweet, and almost like a flashback from the beginning of our relationship.…
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This side of heaven
A friend sent me this song the other day. If there was ever a song that explains exactly how I feel every single day, this is it. How will this side of heaven ever feel right without my Joe? My friend and I had a long conversation about loss. She is no stranger to it.…
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A little bit softer now
Was your person larger than life? My Joe was! He lit up every room he walked into. Dubbed “Crown Joe” during our competitive BBQ days, he was known for taking the cap off the Crown Royal bottle and throwing it away, no glass needed. Always ready for a party, always the man with the music,…
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You Should Be Here
I tried to have a good day today but it wasn’t in the cards. The high temperature was maybe 5 degrees. It snowed a few inches, and the wind chill right now is around -8. The dogs and I have been stuck in this house all day, and it has been a very, very, very…
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What’s Up
Sometimes a song whispers what I’m thinking. And then sometimes a song screams it. This is THAT song. My Joe loved this song. Every time it came on, he’d sing along. I always laughed that he knew it. But he was open to all music, and for whatever reason this one spoke to him. This…
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Grief in a group
Well, I did it. I joined a new grief group, and my first meeting was tonight. It was held in a church across town. I was apprehensive because the last time I attempted this the meeting was at my parent’s old church and it was practically empty. Two of the three participants were in their…
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Just say I’m sorry
One of the crazy things about grief is that you circle back to everything you said, everything you laughed about, everything you fought about during your time together. Joe and I laughed ALOT. He always found a way to make me smile, even in the middle of an argument, which used to annoy the crap…
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Exhale
Well, I can’t explain it, but today was just a good day. And honestly, it’s so nice to have just a good day. No tears, no anxiety, no worries. Every time I thought of Joe, which was all the time, I smiled. I’m thankful for all the years we had together, I’m grateful for the…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 