Category: Grief
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I’ll rise up, just not today.
Anyone that knows me knows I’m not the kind of person to give up. It’s not in my nature. I even have this song as my alarm on my phone. Every morning I wake up to these words: Rise Up And some mornings I throw my phone across the room and bury my head under…
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Glitter everywhere
I was cleaning out a closet the other day and came across a duffle bag that we have had for a very long time. We used it on short weekend trips when the packing was light, including the night we got married. When Joe & I were married we didn’t have a lot of money.…
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Don’t give up on me yet
I woke up this morning in a new year. A year Joe will never know. I’ve mentioned before how hard all of this is for me because I don’t know how to do nothing. I’ve always been a doer. I’ve always been a fixer. When Joe was sick with cancer, I did so much research.…
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Easy come, hard go
As the year comes to a close, all I can do is keep moving forward. This grief still knocks me to my knees and makes it so hard to breathe. I’ll try to exhale all the stress and sadness 2023 ushered in and pray for the coming year to be filled with a peace that…
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Wasted time
Today pretty much just sucks. I’m working from home (thank goodness) because the tears can’t seem to stop. The sadness is heavy today. I can’t stop questioning why. Why were we able to spend so many years being so happy, going through unbelievably hard struggles together (cancer and the death of parents) and surviving them,…
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Blue Christmas
Well, Christmas morning is here. My house is quiet. There are no gifts under the tree. No stockings hung on the fireplace. Sleep was fleeting last night as I laid in bed thinking about all of the wonderful Christmas holidays spent with Joe. He would surprise me every year with at least one very special…
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Last thing I needed first thing this morning.
It’s been exactly three months since my Joe left this world. September 22nd at 1:07am. Twelve weeks missing half of my heart. Ninety days without my soulmate. 2,160 hours lost in grief. 129,600 minutes of loneliness. Sometimes it feels like moments ago, and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. It was over seven million…
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Can you hear me?
I find myself talking to Joe throughout the day. The people across the street finally tore down that rickety old garage that had collapsed back on Father’s Day. I stood at the kitchen window telling Joe how glad he’d be to see it all cleaned up. When I can’t find something because he put it…
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Landslide
I’ve had a few pretty good days in a row. I’m feeling better after getting the right meds, and spending time with friends and family has helped tremendously. It’s so easy to fall backwards on this grief rollercoaster though. Remember in my first post I said it would be a wild ride? Well I am…
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Sick & Tired
Did you know that grief can affect your immune system? Between the stress of Joe’s cardiac arrest, spending 12 days in ICU, planning his funeral, and all the things that followed, my body finally said “enough is enough” the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I haven’t fully recovered yet. What started out as a sinus infection that was…
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Hole in my heart
The weight of this sadness is so damn heavy. Everything I do reminds me of Joe. I come home every day at lunch, just like I did today, to let the girls out. They need to run and play outdoors since the days are so much shorter now. They are used to being home with…
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The music that made us
On my worst days, the music is the only thing that keeps me going. Today is one of those days. I’m so grateful to Joe for introducing me to so many different genres of music. It’s funny how certain songs seem as if they were written just for us. And they follow the path of our…
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My favorite memory
The day he went into cardiac arrest, Joe had been at a local car show with our newest purchase: a 1979 Ford Fairmont. It didn’t look like much, but it was a badass race car. This car was right where he parked it that day after winning not one, but two trophies. Every time I…
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Clean up on aisle 10
I’ve made the executive decision to stop going to the grocery store. I have officially become “that lady” to my local retail workers. That lady who cries near the pork ribs. That lady who cries on the candy aisle. That lady who cries in the checkout line. It’s not uncommon to find me digging for…
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Everyday memories
I woke up this morning craving coneys. Weird, huh? Joe and I have had a favorite little coney place that he had been going to for over 30 years. It was a treat to meet Joe there for lunch sometimes during the work day, and he made it his regular stop during chemotherapy because he…
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The scars on my soul
Why is it always the little stuff that catches you by surprise, rips open the wounds, and breaks your heart all over again? The day after Thanksgiving I was starting to feel a little under the weather. I have a history of sinus infections turning into bronchitis very quickly, so I made my way to…
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My attitude on platitudes
Grief, I have found, brings out the good in so many people. Warm meals, lingering hugs, and a sense of belonging from those who love you most help, even in the tiniest ways, to comfort me. Grief also brings out well-worn (and most always well intended) platitudes that really don’t help at all. So in…
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Humbug
Ugh. The holidays have arrived. It’s the day before my first Thanksgiving without my Joe. How do I feel about that? Just sad. Sad that Joe can’t be here with me. Sad that all of the traditions we created over the years feel wrong to do without him. He should be here right now smoking…
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The very thought of you
Do you ever walk into your house after work and expect to see your loved one standing in the kitchen or sitting in the living room watching television? Are there moments in the day when you forget for just a second that your whole world has been turned upside down? This happens to me a…
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First of many
A year of firsts. When someone dies, one of the most common things for people to tell you is how hard all of the “firsts” will be. Your first Christmas without your loved one, first birthday, first anniversary of their death. I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary just 28 days after my Joe passed away.…
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Loving, touching & squeezing
I know Journey sang about it. And it’s something we all crave. But did you know women need to be touched at least eight times a day to help preserve their emotional health?Kissing, hugging, holding hands releases hormones in our bodies that stimulate good feelings and help reduce stress. I’m not into science, and while…
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Stop eating shit!
It happened again. Since Joe passed away, our dog Hope has chased and caught two baby bunnies in our backyard. Sadly, one of them met their demise. It’s in her nature. She is 25% English Setter. Her high prey drive dictates her behavior. She’s the first one out the back door, running at lightning speed…
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I’m not crying, you’re crying
For the love of all things holy, why can’t I stop crying? Why can’t I just sit down, have a good cry and move on. The tears come whenever they want. Sometimes, as I’m getting ready for work in the morning, I have to change my tear-soaked shirt before I can actually leave the house.…
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Single chicken breast please
You know what my nemesis is right now? The grocery store. It’s so ridiculous. It’s the place where I lose it most often. “Don’t mind me” I say to myself as the other shoppers wheel past the crazy lady crying on the potato chip aisle. I have almost left a full cart and walked out,…
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For the record . . .
I wasn’t being entirely truthful in my first post. My beautiful man did experience cardiac death and he did pass away on September 22nd. But a lot of things happened between those two events. Joe’s heart stopped beating sitting in his recliner on the night of September 9th, as we were chatting back and forth…
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Signs from Heaven
I have always been a firm believer in signs. And I believe those that have gone before us have the ability to send us signs exactly when we need them. One of my all-time favorite movies “Serendipity” calls it a fortunate discovery. Every day I look for serendipity, signs from my Joe. One day in…
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Let me off this ride!
They say the seven stages of grief can be expected after a loved one dies. Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. I’m a very organized and routine person who has always followed the “rules”. When my husband passed away I was expecting those stages to fall in line. It’s only been 54 days…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 