Category: Love
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Some things I’ll never know
Are there days where you feel like you are really handling your grief well? You actually feel like you can breathe again? Like you’ve accepted your reality and you’re moving forward? And then, out of nowhere, you get hit by that grief bus and you’re right back where you were in the beginning. Today is…
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In the strangest places
Maybe it’s just me and I force the dots to connect, thinking Joe is sending me signs when I need them. Or maybe, he knows exactly how to get my attention through music, and he really is “talking” to me from above. I choose to believe the latter. Yesterday he made his presence known once…
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Total loss
You might remember I wrecked my car last week. I was at a four-way stop and just zoned out for a second and hit another car coming through the intersection. No injuries, no air bags deployed, and yet today my car was deemed a total loss. This morning, I went to the collision center to…
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The song remembers when
Do you ever fear you’re going to start forgetting your person? Forgetting certain memories, ways they made you feel, or what their voice sounded like? I’m lucky that I saved voicemails from my late husband Joe and can listen to them whenever I want. I even have some videos from our game nights with friends,…
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Taking you home
Today has been bittersweet so far. I sent Joe’s ashes off to a place called Parting Stone. They solidified his cremains into beautiful stones I can take with me wherever I go. I can place him in the flower garden in the beautiful backyard he built for us. I can leave him in New Smyrna…
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Any minute now
It’s been over seven months since I lost my husband. I never imagined just how painful missing him would be. Just when I think I’m handling my grief okay, days like today knock me right back down. The tears wouldn’t stop on my way home for lunch. I sat in the backyard with the dogs…
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Til then I walk alone
Most of my life I’ve been a very conservative person. Always erring on the side of caution, never really taking huge risks. When I was a kid, my older brothers managed to get in enough trouble as teenagers to convince me not to do anything wrong, mostly to avoid the wrath of my parents. Married…
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The part of me that’s you
It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able…
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Get over it
If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last two and a half years, it’s to stop worrying about things I can’t change. Now before you go jumping on your soapbox, let me explain. Every day we are inundated on social media, in the news, and in water cooler conversations about the state of…
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In your eyes
You know how they say the eyes are the windows to the soul? It’s so true. I could tell how Joe was feeling just by looking into his eyes. When he was really tired his eyes were super light with tiny specks of green. When he was very sick, they were almost black and so…
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Bloom
Easter is upon us. A time for rebirth, new life. Not just Christ’s rebirth, but everything around us as well. The flowers and the trees are coming alive again after lying dormant for so many months. I can’t help but think God planned it so his Son would rise again just as His Creation would…
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Learning to walk again
I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since…
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Cry me a river
Spring has arrived. And with it all the trees are in bloom, gardens are being prepped for planting, longer days are finally here. With the change in season, I find myself crying uncontrollably more often than not. And I had just mentioned in a previous post that I seemed to be smiling more than crying.…
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All we ever needed
I was looking through some old pictures the other night and came across this one. Joe with his incredible head of hair and both of us with smiles that could have lit up the universe. We were just starting our life together. Second marriage for both of us, we were so ready for this amazing…
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Babe
My dear friend Jennifer came over on Monday. She brought us dinner, and we talked for hours about love and life, grief and survival. She understands exactly where I am because she walked this very path eight years ago after losing her husband Roger. Roger & Joe’s circumstances surrounding their deaths were very similar. She…
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Love you anyway
I’ve been thinking a lot about the last 25 years of my life with Joe. So many wonderful memories, and some not so great ones too. We certainly didn’t have the perfect marriage, but we were perfect together. We were the epitome of peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, peas and carrots. Joe was…
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Say my name
Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to…
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I try
It’s my 60th birthday today. It’s been a weird day. I woke up torn between two worlds. Part of me wanted to get up, to thank God for waking me up, and to seize the day. The other part of me wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there. Why? Because Joe.…
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Music heals the soul
One of the greatest things Joe & I leaned on during his cancer battle was worship music. Music spoke to us in ways that scripture couldn’t, in ways that preachers didn’t. Cancer initially reignited our faith out of fear, but as the journey continued that fear was replaced with hope and our faith grew stronger…
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An eagle, a deacon & so much joy
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and my first thought wasn’t about my loss. How amazing is that? Last night I attended the Eagles Long Goodbye Final Tour in Tulsa. Joe’s sister & her husband were gracious enough to buy me a ticket to go with them. The Eagles are…
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Dear God . . .
Do you struggle with your faith? I feel like my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. I have no doubts about my salvation, no doubt that Joe and my parents are in heaven, and we will be reunited again someday. God’s unfailing love is a comfort to me. But my emotions, my feelings…
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There you’ll be
Have you given any thought to your final arrangements? My Joe chose cremation. So many of us choose this method rather than being buried. I’ve have never wanted to be put in a cemetery where my son would feel obligated to visit and place flowers on my grave. I want to be cremated when my…
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Dear everyone
It was suggested in my grief group that I write a grief letter to friends and family so everyone knows exactly where I am. Honestly, it sounded a little narcissistic. But then I thought about my friends who have walked this path. It would have been useful to know how they were and what I…
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The heart of life
Moving on. Letting go. Getting over it. The loss of your spouse is one of the most difficult losses a person will ever endure, next to losing a child. Every aspect of your life changes. Your partner in crime is gone. The person you could tell anything to, your confidant is no longer there. No…
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Losing it
Today was frantic. I came home for lunch determined to find the memorial book the funeral home put together from Joe’s service. I was looking for something inside of it. But I couldn’t find the book anywhere. I turned the house upside down, my heart beating out of my chest, tears streaming down my face…
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Better days
I am just over the four-month mark since losing my Joe. My brain seems to be working better now. I didn’t even realize the fog I’d been in. Grieving clouds everything. Imagine if you will a veil over your head. One that allows a small amount of light in, but nothing is clearly visible. Sounds…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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In dreams
I finally dreamt about Joe last night! This is the first time I’ve seen him in my dreams at night. He visited me once during a nap one afternoon when I fell asleep in the living room chair. That one was brief, and sweet, and almost like a flashback from the beginning of our relationship.…
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This side of heaven
A friend sent me this song the other day. If there was ever a song that explains exactly how I feel every single day, this is it. How will this side of heaven ever feel right without my Joe? My friend and I had a long conversation about loss. She is no stranger to it.…
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Listening to the wind
One of Joe’s most favorite artists was Merle Haggard. Merle was one of a kind. His music spoke to you. It was music for the everyday man, and it was lightening in a bottle. Never to be duplicated again. My parents adored Merle as well and listened to him on every road trip. I remember Joe…
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You Should Be Here
I tried to have a good day today but it wasn’t in the cards. The high temperature was maybe 5 degrees. It snowed a few inches, and the wind chill right now is around -8. The dogs and I have been stuck in this house all day, and it has been a very, very, very…
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Just say I’m sorry
One of the crazy things about grief is that you circle back to everything you said, everything you laughed about, everything you fought about during your time together. Joe and I laughed ALOT. He always found a way to make me smile, even in the middle of an argument, which used to annoy the crap…
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Exhale
Well, I can’t explain it, but today was just a good day. And honestly, it’s so nice to have just a good day. No tears, no anxiety, no worries. Every time I thought of Joe, which was all the time, I smiled. I’m thankful for all the years we had together, I’m grateful for the…
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Glitter everywhere
I was cleaning out a closet the other day and came across a duffle bag that we have had for a very long time. We used it on short weekend trips when the packing was light, including the night we got married. When Joe & I were married we didn’t have a lot of money.…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 