Category: pain
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Why God?
Why God? That question has been weighing heavy on my mind as my eyes were fixated on the news of the flooding in Texas over the holiday weekend. So many lives lost, whole families, those beautiful Camp Mystic souls. All gone forever. Too many losses we will never be able to accept. It’s natural to…
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The sky is crying
I took a picture of the mint I have growing in my backyard today. Just a few weeks ago it was thriving, big and beautiful, with fragrant leaves. I never thought it was possible to kill mint. It always seemed so invasive, so impervious to its surroundings. But the rain hasn’t stopped for weeks, and…
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Face the river
I’m sitting here watching a river of rain run through my yard. It’s been raining for days now. My yard is saturated, unable to drain fast enough. My 1980 septic system means no shower, or laundry, or, well you get the point. But outside isn’t the only place it’s been raining this weekend. I think…
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Drowning
It’s been a rough week for no particular reason around here. The tears came at the strangest times. I had to tell my boss at one point not to look at me crooked or I might start sobbing. I decided to work from home today. It’s a beautiful day outside, so the backdoor is open,…
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Year 2
I’m halfway through my second year without my Joe, and I can tell you without any reservation that year two of this grief is harder than I expected. The first year I walked around in a fog, unable to process the trauma of everything. The flashbacks have come back in full force. Performing chest compressions…
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2am
I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I fall asleep quickly but wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and just stare at the ceiling. Sometimes for hours. Maybe it’s insomnia, maybe it’s depression. I think I’m just lonely. I’m not talking about lonely for visitors. I don’t mean lonely for conversation around…
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I don’t know much
It’s been a weekend. I took Friday off because this weekend was our 23rd wedding anniversary. Looking back that was probably a mistake. I should have worked through Friday. Then maybe Saturday, the big day, might not have been such a shit show. You know the drill. More tears than humanly possible, baking in mass…
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Friday
Friday used to be my favorite day of the week. The work week was over and all I wanted to do was head home and spend time with my husband. I worked from home today. By 7pm I couldn’t stand sitting in the house anymore, so the girls and I went outside. I sat in…
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I wish you peace
I took another trip to Florida. A short one this time with my mother-in-law and Joe’s sisters. I showed them his favorite place on earth, New Smyrna Beach. After my trip in July, I was worried how this one would go. I didn’t find any peace last time. It was a struggle being there without…
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But we’re all gonna be alright
I’ve mentioned before that I’m not into social media much. I hang out mostly on Facebook just to keep up with friends and family. I look at their pictures, see what’s new in their lives. But sometimes even Facebook can become too much. Between all the political bickering and those awful memories, I decided to…
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Need you now
In the early days of my grief, I recall complaining because I couldn’t seem to dream about my late husband. I needed to dream about him. While he was visiting others in their sleep, he remained absent in mine. When he did finally come to me four months later, I felt such relief. As if…
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Love hurts
I’ve been struggling for sometime now with joint pain. At first, I thought I was just getting older, until the flareups made it hard to climb out of bed in the morning. I visited a rheumatologist who assured me it was nothing more than osteoarthritis. But “nothing more than” hurts like hell. There are days…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 