The very thought of you

Do you ever walk into your house after work and expect to see your loved one standing in the kitchen or sitting in the living room watching television? Are there moments in the day when you forget for just a second that your whole world has been turned upside down? This happens to me a lot. Coming home after work, as I pull beside Joe’s truck in the driveway (because it’s been sitting there for 10 weeks now), I think for a moment “I wonder what he’s up to?” Or when I go in the backyard and expect to hear the sound of a table saw or screw gun because he was always building something. There are days where I feel like I’m certifiably nuts. I tell myself this is just denial. Another one of those “steps” in the process that I have to walk through. But I’m not in denial of his passing. I’m perfectly aware that he is no longer on this earth.

What causes us to “forget” for a moment? Is it a defense mechanism? Because honestly it just makes me have to relive it over and over again. To have to remind yourself in that moment of insanity that he’s gone is just heartbreaking. And I don’t know about you, but I didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I think for me this is just the compounding of many losses in a short period of time. I lost my dad in August of 2022 from bladder cancer, my mom in April of this year from dementia, and then I lost my Joe. My parents were married for 67 years. After my dad passed away, mom would say to my sister and I all the time “I wonder what your father is up to?” We always assumed that was the dementia talking.

Now I’m not so sure.

Like my mom who just couldn’t process such an incredible loss, I think it’s the same for me. So, my brain creates these moments of alternate reality where I tell myself Joe’s just not here right now. Moments in time where life isn’t upside down and I can be hopeful when I walk in the house that he’s going to be here, to wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. But he isn’t, and it isn’t okay.

Do you have the same forgetful moments in time? How do you handle them?