Humbug

Ugh. The holidays have arrived. It’s the day before my first Thanksgiving without my Joe. How do I feel about that? Just sad. Sad that Joe can’t be here with me. Sad that all of the traditions we created over the years feel wrong to do without him. He should be here right now smoking a ham for Thanksgiving, because my mom would literally kill the pig all over again if we let her cook it. He should be at his family’s Thanksgiving hoarding an entire apple pie that his sister-in-law baked because they are seriously the best you’ll ever have.

So many of our little traditions during the holidays were just for he and I. Every year before Christmas we would drive up to Claremore (a town just north of us) and visit all the local shops, looking for an antique Santa to add to our collection. We’d spend hours wandering in and out of each store. I think we have over twenty of them that would line the fireplace mantle. He loved doing that, and the smile on his face when he knew we had found just the right one was so beautiful. Joe was also always the one who waited until Christmas Eve to shop and then to wrap. He would lock himself up in the spare bedroom and wrap away while I sat in the living room watching “A Christmas Story” for the umpteenth time. Then we would open one present before we settled in for our favorite Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Joe gave me the moon, he threw a lasso around it and pulled it down just for me.

I know that I need to be present during all of the holidays for my family. Everyone is grieving, not just me. But the joy and the drive to actually be present is hard to muster. It’s not just my first Thanksgiving without Joe. It’s also my first Thanksgiving without my mom.

Today I’m making mom’s broccoli rice casserole and her cornbread dressing. I’m hopeful tomorrow morning I will wake up with a slightly different attitude about it all.

My crazy Joe at one of our many Christmas game nights.

How do you find joy in the middle of your grief around the holidays?