The scars on my soul

Why is it always the little stuff that catches you by surprise, rips open the wounds, and breaks your heart all over again? The day after Thanksgiving I was starting to feel a little under the weather. I have a history of sinus infections turning into bronchitis very quickly, so I made my way to our local urgent care for antibiotics and steroids. I was already emotional with a fear of being sick all alone. I was reviewing all the paperwork at check-in and the receptionist asked if anything had changed. Insurance? No. Address? No. Emergency contact? Well crap. Here come the tears. This poor girl had no idea why I was crying or why I removed Joe’s name and added my son as my emergency contact. Back in the exam room the nurse was taking my vitals and asked if any of my family history needed to be updated. More tears as I told her my dad passed away from bladder cancer, and that my mom passed away from dementia, and oh by the way I just lost my husband two months ago. It was seriously a shit show of epic proportions.

Joe introduced me to this amazing song a few years back. The lyric is so gut-wrenching:

There’s a scar on my soul
So let me down easy
Break my heart sweetly
Like you always do
I guess I can’t let go
‘Til you wreck me completely
Break my heart sweetly
Drape me in blue

All of the little things wreck me completely over and over again. Trying to change the name on an account that’s still in his, or having to take my car in for an oil change when he handled all of that for me, or not wanting to cook a meal because I don’t want to eat without him or have a refrigerator full of leftovers I’ll never eat. And then there was today. Just staring at a closet full of Christmas decorations unable to put a single thing up. Maybe tomorrow.

Break my heart sweetly. Drape me in blue.