Lost traditions

One of the things I’m struggling with as Christmas without Joe approaches is all of our traditions. They just feel lost to me now. People say I should start new ones or keep doing the ones that comfort me. And I know they are right, but it’s just so damn hard.

By now the holiday music would be sprinkled into Joe’s playlists and songs like “Run Run Rudolph” by the Brian Setzer Orchestra or Joe’s favorite “Please Come Home for Christmas” by Bon Jovi would fill the house.

Right about now Joe would be surprising me with this year’s Christmas bear from Walmart. I have one from every year since 2000. He would usually pick one up and leave it on the counter for me with a sweet card. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want someone to buy this year’s bear, and I don’t want to buy it myself. It doesn’t mean the same unless it comes from my Joe. So that tradition is gone.

The tree and all of the decorations would have gone up the first weekend in December, which was just this past weekend. I haven’t found my holiday spirit yet, so that did not happen. Conversations about what to get our parents for Christmas would be starting, which brings another level of grief since this will be my first Christmas without my mom, and only my second without my dad.

The week before Christmas, Joe & I would load up in the car, turn on the local radio station that plays holiday music 24/7, and drive around holding hands, singing along and looking at all the beautiful Christmas lights.

The Christmas Eve traditions of him shopping and wrapping in the same day while I watch “A Christmas Story”, and opening one present on Christmas Eve night are over. And our searches for the perfect Santa to add to our collection should have already started.

I know it sounds like I’m just complaining. I know I need to “embrace the suck” and try to put my best foot forward. I just don’t know how.

I will try to shop for the next Santa for the mantle. I am hopeful Joe will lead me right to it.

How do you handle the holidays without your loved one?