Don’t give up on me yet

I woke up this morning in a new year. A year Joe will never know. I’ve mentioned before how hard all of this is for me because I don’t know how to do nothing. I’ve always been a doer. I’ve always been a fixer. When Joe was sick with cancer, I did so much research. I found every possible remedy to help combat the side effects of chemo, and it helped him through. When my Mom got dementia I read every book I could on how to help navigate it to make it easier for her.

But this I can’t fix. There is nothing I can do to take make this stop hurting. And in some weird way it feels like I’m not moving fast enough for God, but in all honesty I’m just not moving fast enough for myself.

As I was sitting in the living room trying to take my mind off all of these feelings, scrolling through everyone’s New Year’s Eve pictures on Facebook, this song appeared in my feed. I don’t follow this band. I’ve never even heard of this band, but my goodness . . . this is exactly how I feel. I listened to it four times this morning and cried through every single time.

And with these brand-new scars
And this broken heart
It’s hard to really know
If there’s a reason
And if I’ll ever see it
But I wanna believe it
So don’t give up on me yet

I know God’s not going to give up on me, but I just hope He’s patient because I think this is gonna take a while.