A little bit softer now

Was your person larger than life? My Joe was! He lit up every room he walked into. Dubbed “Crown Joe” during our competitive BBQ days, he was known for taking the cap off the Crown Royal bottle and throwing it away, no glass needed. Always ready for a party, always the man with the music, always the one to turn the lights out at the end of the night.

But Joe wasn’t big, bold and beautiful only when he was drinking. He never knew a stranger, and no matter where we went, he ran into someone he knew. Even on vacation in the middle of Florida! He wanted everyone to have a good time. He was always lifting those around him up, making sure he left them smiling and happier than they were before he arrived. Even during chemo.

If ever a song described how Joe made you feel it’s this one (and from one of his all-time favorite movies too – Animal House).

It’s funny, because when we met, he was much quieter. But as he aged, and especially after cancer, he became the guy who knew exactly how to live life to the fullest. And I loved every bit of his crazy, spontaneous self.

Now that he is gone, I find myself withdrawing a bit. Half of me is missing, and the half that’s gone was the fun half, the half everyone wanted to be around. I’m not saying people don’t want to be around me. I’m just saying it feels different now and I’m not quite sure how to navigate without the peanut butter to my jelly, the ying to my yang, the hip to my hop. We balanced each other so well.

Now I feel like I only have one leg to stand on, one lung to breathe with, and only half a heart. I know those of you who have lost someone know what I mean. How do you find your place in this world again?