Need you now

In the early days of my grief, I recall complaining because I couldn’t seem to dream about my late husband. I needed to dream about him. While he was visiting others in their sleep, he remained absent in mine. When he did finally come to me four months later, I felt such relief. As if he was letting me know he was okay on the other side.

Almost a year has gone by now and he is there every night when I lay my head down. My dreams feel a lot like that scene from “Christmas Vacation” where Chevy Chase is in the attic. I’m watching our lives play out on old projector film. No sound, no color. Just memories.

And then I fall through the proverbial attic floor.

I spent my entire Labor Day crying. Woke up crying. Drove around in my car crying. I ended up at the cemetery where Joe’s biological dad is buried. I’d left a stone of my Joe there on Memorial Day. He was still there, so I sat by his dad’s grave for over an hour. More crying, talking, praying. Did I feel better when I left? Not really. But I believe I have to let days like that happen to continue healing. This journey is not for the faint of heart. The struggle is more than I can bear some days. And then other days I feel like life is getting better. Such a roller-coaster of emotions.

I don’t just miss my husband. I NEED my husband. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I am alone in every daily activity. Alone when I eat, alone when I shop, alone when I work, alone in our bed, alone in a crowd. And let me tell you, it sucks to need someone you can’t ever have again.

When Joe was alive, we always knew where each other was. When I was away from him, he was never more than a whisper from my thoughts. And I know he was thinking about me. The volume of TikTok’s shared daily with me were proof I was always on his mind (see, my sense of humor is still intact). My thoughts are still consumed with him even though he’s gone. I’m so sad for him that he didn’t get to continue living out the beautiful life he fought so hard for here on earth.

And yes, sad for us. Our entire life is gone. I miss our routine. I miss getting together with friends regularly. I miss our Saturday morning diner breakfasts. I miss the late-night conversations or just listening to music with my beautiful man. I miss the crazy that was my Joe. He was fun, silly, and spontaneous. To know him was to love him. I miss his hands, his arms, his lips. I miss his heart.

I’m sure there are many who think I’m in denial. Let me put your mind at ease. I’m perfectly aware Joe is gone forever. I know he’s not coming back. But this isn’t like a break-up that you eventually get over. We didn’t have a fight and have the option to forgive and forget or move on without each other.

I loved this man with my whole heart for over 23 years right up to the moment he left this earth. That love is still alive. And as long as it is, I will keep writing, because it’s the only way I can show my love for him now.

So much love with no place to go.