Over the rainbow

The definition of a year is the time taken by the earth to make one revolution around the sun. It’s been one revolution since I last heard Joe’s voice, felt his arms around me. One revolution since his heart stopped beating and mine broke into a million pieces.

One year ago, was the start of thirteen days of hell that ended with my husband going to heaven.

There are lots of emotions today. But honestly there are lots of emotions every day. My tears still come uncontrollably. I just let them fall, certain that I need to feel everything to continue trying to heal. One foot in front of the other, right? I know I must keep living out the plans God has for me, even if I have no idea what those plans are.

I’ve taken new steps to help in my healing. I joined a new widow’s group. How I found them is proof that God is directing my steps. An invitation from another widow. She is a beautiful soul. One I never would have known had it not been for the food trucks we both owned with our husbands over eight years ago. God was weaving our connection even then. He knew it would be needed again someday. I’m grateful for this new avenue over-flowing with faith-filled women who are walking the same path.

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled the last year. It’s no secret that I am still struggling with the loneliness and the emptiness. I miss my Joe more than I could ever describe, even though I know he is rejoicing on the other side. Praise God for healing him and making him whole again. Joe would have never wanted to live out his life with machines doing all the work. That I’m sure of. But his death brought on excruciating heartbreak and trauma for me. It’s taken a long time to not dream about that night a year ago.

I’ve managed to walk (sometimes crawl) through all the steps of grief a hundred times over and in every possible order. I’ve learned there is no rhyme or reason to how we process grief. Every journey is different. And grief is never truly gone. It becomes a part of us. It is a scar on my soul that I will carry with me forever.

Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Someday I will be reunited with my husband, my parents, and everyone who has passed before me. Oh, what a glorious day that will be! For now, as my life continues to revolve around its own axis, I will look for the rainbows. They are always more beautiful after a storm.