I don’t know much

It’s been a weekend. I took Friday off because this weekend was our 23rd wedding anniversary. Looking back that was probably a mistake. I should have worked through Friday. Then maybe Saturday, the big day, might not have been such a shit show.

You know the drill. More tears than humanly possible, baking in mass quantity to distract myself, playing music all day (all of our wedding songs and special songs of course). It was the greatest pity party known to mankind.

I woke up this morning with puffy eyes and a splitting headache, and enough cinnamon muffins to feed a small army. So I packed up a dozen and took them to the worship team my niece leads at church. Halfway there I realized I forgot my phone, so FM radio would have to do. Tears were still sitting at the surface, just waiting to fall, so listening to music was a gamble this morning.

But on my way home, those tears turned to laughter. I’m not talking a faint smile, or a small giggle. It was a full on belly laugh!

You see, my late husband had an impeccable way of pulling me out of my own head by making me laugh. And over the years he perfected his impression of Aaron Neville. My Joe would recite famous quotes, sing popular songs (Bob Dylan songs were the best) all in that voice and it would make me roll with laughter and forget about whatever was bothering me.

Imagine my surprise when this song came on as I headed home from church.

If you drove passed me this morning you might have thought I was a lunatic. I was laughing so hard and singing so loud. Leave it to Joe to take over my car radio on our anniversary weekend.

I honestly never really listened to the lyrics of this song. Until this morning. So much of my anxiety and sadness these days revolves around what comes next, coupled with losing Joe. I don’t live in a fantasy world where I think my husband is going to walk through the front door someday. I know exactly where he is. But there are many days when I don’t know where I am in this journey. I really don’t know much, but I know I love him. And I’m so grateful my beautiful man loved me, and he sends me signs just when I need them the most.

“Look at this face I know the years are showing
Look at this life I still don’t know where it’s going

I don’t know much but I know I love you
That may be all I need to know

Look at these eyes they never seen what matters
Look at these dreams so beaten and so battered

I don’t know much but I know I love you
That may be all I need to know

So many questions still left unanswered
So much I’ve never broken through
And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly
That only truth I’ll never know is me and you”