Gonna let it shine

Do you feel like you’ve turned a corner in your grief journey? After walking down the same long, dark path for the last 500 days, I feel like I finally have. I have no idea where I’m headed, but my soul feels lighter and I’m willing to move forward to find out.

It could be because January is finally over. It was the longest month ever. Or because spring is just around the corner, new growth and all. Perhaps it’s because my anger has subsided. Or maybe it’s because I finally accept that my husband is gone, and our life together is no more.

I’ve been wallowing around in the “what if’s” and the “I’ll never have’s” for way too long. Feeling sorry for myself is not something I’m accustomed to. I never had the time for it. I was always too busy pulling myself up by my bootstraps and tackling challenges head on. All of this self-pity is honestly exhausting. That’s not to say grieving is self-pity because it isn’t. But I feel like I crossed a line at some point and started giving up on myself. I’m sixty years young with a lot of life ahead of me. I need to focus on the future, while softly preserving the past.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. I’ve been blessed with people who have walked this path. While I hate they had to experience the same heartbreak, I’m grateful for their willingness to bare their souls. Thanks to them I know there is hope. Thanks to them I know my life can still be filled with companionship, laughter and light. Maybe even with love. Sure, there will be bumps in the road. The loneliness will take over sometimes. But the opportunity for a bright future is in my control.

I was the luckiest girl in the world. My late husband Joe was a beautiful man. Our love was like lightening. The chances of lightening striking twice for me are nearly impossible. My realistic side accepts that. My romantic side hangs on to the “nearly”.

I’m open to whatever this life has in store for me. I’m excited about what comes next. I have no idea what it will look like, but at least I know now that I’m ready.

I know my Joe would want me to be happy, to enjoy my life, even without him. I know he is rooting for me from beyond the stars. Heaven’s light has been shining down on me all along. I just couldn’t see it through the dark.

“I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine
Heaven’s little light gonna shine on me”