Being human

I’ve always been a little awkward, especially in social settings. I think that’s why my late husband and I worked so well together. He was the outgoing one. He knew everyone. And if he didn’t know you, he would by the end of your time together. He had this uncanny ability to make you feel at ease instantly. He was always the life of the party, with his infectious laugh and million-dollar smile. And I was happy being the quiet, steady one behind him. Content with staying out of the limelight. Joe’s big personality filled the room enough for both of us.

I used to be really personable as a child, but once I got in junior high, I retreated inward. Today I’m kind of a loner, unless I’m with those closest to me. Since Joe died, the struggle to identify with this new, lonelier life is a real thing, even if no one else can see that. I’m trying to branch out by saying yes more, I’m getting to know new people, and I’m learning how to be a ‘party of one’ around my family and friends. But still, for the first few minutes of any event or introduction, I’m that withdrawn eighth grader wishing I was anywhere but here.

“Unpack all your baggage
Hide it in the attic where
you hope it disappears
This all seems so familiar
but it doesn’t feel like home
It’s just another unknown”

I see now how much I hid behind my husband’s big personality for over two decades. I was comfortable there. Now there’s nowhere to hide, so I know I have to change things up, learn how to be more open and outgoing. I probably won’t be good at it. Expect me to still be awkward. I’m terrible with names, small talk, and casual chit chat face-to-face. I’m great with the written word, not so much the spoken. Don’t expect a social butterfly. I’m more like the caterpillar that has to turn into a pile of goo before the metamorphosis. It’s all just a symptom of being human.

“Sometimes I’m in a room where I don’t belong
And the house is on fire and there’s no alarm
And the walls are melting too
How about you?”

Is it hard to find your place in your new reality?