Broken

Strong, happy, so very lucky. Those are the words I would have used to describe myself before my husband passed away.

Shattered, crushed, broken. That’s how I would describe myself now. But that’s probably not what others see every day. It’s weird what you can get used to, and what you can cover up. Growing up, we tended to sweep problems under the rug, so I always kept my emotional pain to myself. I also have a super high tolerance for physical pain. I remember when Joe and I were dating I had to have major back surgery. Spinal fusion of three vertebra caused by disintegrated discs. I had been walking around for over six years with those ruptured discs. Whether it was emotional or physical, I got really good at pushing down the pain.

When Joe was fighting cancer, my tough exterior started showing some cracks. I found myself crying alone so I could keep a united front with him. His positivity was infectious, so hopeful he would beat it, and he did. But my cracks splintered like a windshield does when a rock hits it. Years later he went into cardiac arrest and spent weeks in ICU on life support (just months after my parents passed). Slowly fracturing my soul. When he died, I was left with a spiderweb of destruction.

I’ve been working really hard on getting stronger and handling my grief better. I don’t cry every day anymore, but I do still cry at the drop of a hat. Most days I’m content, but everything is cloaked in a fine mist of sadness, a light veil of sorrow. I appreciate and am grateful for the life in front of me. I love seeing my friends and family happy. I take pleasure in the simple beauty around me. The flowers, watching the sunset, listening to good music.

And speaking of music…

I heard this song for the first time over the weekend. It brought me to tears. It brings me to my knees remembering my Joe. He endured so much in the last six years of his life. But he rarely let it show.

I’m leaning on God’s strength now. I’m grateful Joe didn’t have to take his scars with him. And even more grateful that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold him now.