Ain’t no mountain

Have you noticed your circle of friends is smaller than before your loss? I’m not talking about the new people you’ve met since your significant other died. I’m talking about the circle of friends you had before.

There are two things you can anticipate when you lose your spouse. Friends who step in, and those who step out. Maybe they weren’t really true friends to begin with? Maybe they were just friends for that particular season in your life. Be prepared, because their stepping out will become part of your struggle, all mixed in and tangled up with the heavy weight of the grief you’re already carrying. It’s hard to imagine why someone you spoke to often, someone you spent time with regularly, someone whose life you were invested in would just walk away, sometimes with no explanation.

After speaking to other widows, reading many blogs and books, and listening to multiple podcasts, this is apparently a very common occurrence. It happened to me. I was left with nothing but questions. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something out of line after my husband died? Did I forget to call them back when I could barely get myself out of bed from my grief? I’ve replayed the days leading up to Joe’s death, his funeral, and the weeks and months after with no conclusive answers. Any other time in my life I would have just asked. If you know me, you know I don’t shy away from confrontation. I may have even apologized just to smooth things over. I considered reaching out several times but didn’t. And now this wound is too deep to fix. So, I stopped picking at it. I let it scab over. A year and a half later and there’s nothing left but the scar.

and a little advice…

To other widows and widowers out there: don’t fall into this trap. If friends disappear, LET THEM. The why is not your concern. That is their cross to bear, not yours. The ones that matter most are the ones who stepped in. Lean into those friends. They are the ones who covered you in prayer, made sure you ate, reminded you to breathe, sat with you while you cried. They are the ones that speak your late-husband’s name with no awkwardness, laughing and reminiscing with you. They never make you feel like the third (or the fifth) wheel when you get together, they invite you to their family events and send you funny TikTok’s just when you need it most.

You might be at a point where you’ve settled into some semblance of a routine, and they’ve returned to their busy lives. That doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you. Don’t get so busy healing that you forget them. Don’t let your grief allow you to lose that connection. Be grateful for their love and support. Remember how they stepped in and do the same for them in the future.

To my friends who stepped in and stayed, you know who you are. I love you more than I could ever put into words. I’ll be here for you always. “Just call my name, I’ll be there in a hurry, you don’t have to worry.”